Calmer now

After my panic this morning that it was going to be a bad day things have significantly improved.  I genuinely think that writing out why i was anxious really helped.  Seeing it written down enabled me to process it better.

I've always been a visual learner. Whenever I study for anything the best way for me to learn, even if i am reading something from a book is to write out the pertinent points. its as if the act of writing alone aids in my understanding of the subject.  When I was younger it seemed that the first time I wrote it down it would commit to long term memory too, as I never really felt the need to do any sort of in-depth study for exams and i would always manage to pass.  this seems to have faded with time, but that's the natural order, i suppose.

There are things i have been saying about how i view the world for years now, and i have always thought it was just idiosyncratic.  For example, I have always said that I can't picture myself in the future. Just can't see it! I can plan, I can diarise and I can prepare for the future but I can't visualise it. I certainly can't picture what i will be doing 5 years from now, how i want my life to be, what job i want to be doing or how I want to be living.  Its just not there and never has been.  Education or career choices have been based on what i think is interesting now, not on some long range strategy.

I really envy people who can get enthused about a job. I would love to be able to, I really would, but it think the only way that would happen is if i could use my skills to create a job role for myself based on something i really enjoy, rather than someone paying me to do something i don't really care about. The problem with that theory is that i don't really have any skills or particular interests that i could do that with.  so i am destined to spend my days doing work for other people.