Simultaneously, however, I decided to see what would happen if I stopped taking my medication. We're not talking anything really serious, just antidepressants (Citalopram, 40 mg daily).
And for the first 2 drug-free days I felt fantastic. This was Wednesday and Thursday, and I was absolutely pinging off walls, upbeat and lively and having great fun in work. It was the first time in a long time that I felt connected with people in the work environment and really talking to them. I even listened to them and paid attention. I started to wonder if the drugs were actually doing more harm than good, so come the weekend I was confident I was going to have a great time with my kids and my wife!
Ok, the short version is that this didn't happen. What did happen was tetchiness, car sickness, unnecessary screaming, incorrect plating up of meals, incorrect plates, dislike of previously favoured foodstuffs, short tempers, thrown toys, short notice visiting/ visitors, silently counting to ten, weeing in chairs, defiance, gardening in a bloody cold wind and demand for trips out.
All in all, I would rather have been at work, which is a sad indictment of my ability to spend time with my family. I have been high and happy at work followed by depressed and angry at home, and I don't like it.
As you might expect I have started taking my pills again, but what I really need now is a day completely to myself with no interference. I can feel my head pounding and the thoughts trying to get out. I can feel the frustration under my fingertips vibrating with pent-up anger as i watch myself back over this "holiday" weekend, and see how little it felt like a holiday to me.#
I really just want 1 day of peace but don't know how I can achieve it, so in the short term I'll look forward to a blessed day of relief by going in to the most stressful office I've ever known.
Compared to this weekend it'll be a Zen garden.