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Friday, 17 August 2012

This wasn't the plan I had

I don't know where to start.  I'm 38 years old and suddenly I may have Asperger's.

A life lived knowing and accepting that I am an outsider but never knowing why suddenly makes more sense and is both exhilarating to finally have a framework with which to understand my impulses and behaviour and a real whack to my self-confidence that i don't really know myself at all.

It makes me laugh that for years when I did meet people I would always say to them "the bullshit you see is the bullshit you get". Now i know that's not even close to true.

More annoying than anything for me is the fact that this has made me realise that I'm not as smart as i thought i was. i was always aware that i could see things that no-one else could, but now I'm becoming aware - rather painfully - of the "simple " things that most people get that bypass me entirely. the thought has since occurred that this means I'm actually not as smart as most people but I'm not sure my ego will let me consider that just yet.

Anyway, I've decided after prompting from the wife to write things down as i discover them, even if only to look back later and see if it all makes sense or seems ridiculous.

Here's part of the "odd " list so far.
  • I can't picture myself in the future. never been able to
  • trying to plan into the future makes me uncomfortable and stressy
  • i walk away from conversations without warning
  • i really don't like people in my house, particularly if they have turned up without warning
  • the more stressed i get the more i withdraw from social situations
  • i don't like drinking to excess as i don't like to lose control of my actions, and i don't think its acceptable in other people
  • i get confrontational with others when they break rules, even if its nothing to do with me, or the rules are only known to me
  • in an argument i will often needle the other person to get a predictable negative response because a predictable response of any kind is better than being conciliatory and not knowing what will likely happen
  • i have never, even as a kid, wanted to "be" anything. i have considered jobs/ careers as and when i have had to.
  • i find it hard to empathise with people, although i can "pass" in social situations if i have to
  • i HATE last minute changes of plan, and have been known to go home rather than stay out with my friends if they decided to go to a different club than initially planned.
  • i DECIDE and then find it very difficult to change my minds
  • i am anti suicide on the basis "suicides don't go over", but i don't actually believe in heaven in the conventional sense so that my own stance makes no sense
  • once I've started talking about something i HAVE to get to the end of it or i can just feel it bashing against the back of my eyeballs and making me stressy
  • i find it very hard not to correct people when they make errors.
  • i find it difficult to explain when i see a better way to do things, and very hard to accept that even if i do manage to explain it, people may still choose not to do it (its like they are being deliberately obtuse)
  • I'm very physically sensitive in my genitalia, to the point where other people touching is generally more uncomfortable than pleasant (but hey, i persevere on that one!)
  • i don't generally start conversations (though i do sometimes decided just to tell a story or make a pronouncement) and am no good at small talk
  • i have done so many things in the past that i cant explain but i though were a good idea e.g. putting sellotape in someones hair that i didn't really know as i thought it would somehow make us more friendly.
  • I love specific tabletop RP games but have to work ridiculously hard to try to account for every possible eventuality so as not to have to improvise.
  • I cant picture what might be like to be someone else.
  • i like any games where a growth in numbers means you are winning (not just score but stats/ experience too
I need to stop now as I'm starting to scare myself and i haven't really got going yet.

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