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Monday, 3 September 2012

An inexplicable worry explained

Around my mid-teenage years I remember becoming aware that I could be help responsible for things, a concept that seemed to elude me until then.  It was only when someone pointed a pretty serious accusation at me that I realised that things that I did and said could have serious consequences for me in my life.  At that point I resolved always to be completely truthful. Until then I had used truth or lies as I felt necessary, although there is no doubting that I am an awful liar.

But from that point I have always had the nagging worry that at some point i was going to end up in prison, and i don't know if that is normal. I assume its not. After all, why would people just generally worry that they were going to end up behind bars?

I have never been able to fully grasp this worry. I am generally a straight-up, honest and law abiding individual. Even times when I have broken the law during my wild years are unlikely to have carried jail terms: petty theft, smoking weed, illegal streaming/ downloading. But still, in the back of my head: you're going to end up in prison.  It really didn't help when wife's dad ended up in prison recently. It is the first time that it has been so close to home, and I overreacted hugely (of course).

But I begin to see now that the worry about prison was my brain's way of telling me that there was something wrong, that I didn't quite fit, and that I had to be extra careful as my rules and the rules of the NT world in which I live can clash.  A perfect example of this is when I was driving the other day and someone did a really stupid overtaking manuever on a fast junction.  Because he was breaking the rules I effectively tried to run him off the road, then when we reached the traffic lights I pulled in front of him, blocking 2 lanes, and had a confrontation with him on a busy road.

I started that. I could have just let him go, with his bad driving, but I almost crashed into him (my fault) then blocked the road (my fault) then nearly started a fight (which would have been my fault). if the police had become involved I think i would have been in serious trouble.

Looking at myself through the AS mirror I can see how close it has come a few times in my life that I had never realised before, and I need to be very careful which what I say and do to avoid getting into trouble.  I can't believe its taken me this many years to realise it.

Still, hopefully now I can avoid that prison which has been unconsciously following me around for years.

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