In the next 3 days I am seeing a psychologist, and occupational therapist and undertaking an exam on accounts. I am also meant to be undertaking a project for my accounts qualification, but am currently 2 months behind and it is the last thing on my mind. As well as that I have numerous projects going on at work that I am trying to complete within certain deadlines.
And its all very stressful. It feels like my time off for stress has had little or no impact on my work. I still feel under pressure that I am not sure is actually there.
So tomorrow's psychologist appointment is the first in what I expect will be quite a number of appointments, or just a few strung out over a long period of time, to find out if i am likely to be diagnosed as ASD.
I'd like to say the diagnosis isn't that important to me, but it is. I'm that sort of person. I have to know. I can't just make a self-diagnosis, or have my doctor say "maybe its AS." I have to know or I will obsess about it forever. And as it is it is the thing that is on my mind virtually every minute of the day.
Its such an odd feeling, and it does make me anxious that I may have AS. I know there are people who would frown at me for saying that but it does. Not because of what it is, but because I would have had it for so long without realising, without it being diagnosed, and in a lot of ways it means I don't know myself. If I knew that I had something that affected my social interactions I would have looked into it and tried to integrate better, rather than assuming that other people have always got it wrong about me and are idiots. I am open and honest, and very loyal to my friends, but I have damned few of them because I don't come across well on first meeting (except to other people who are similarly unusual, I have found) and this is part of my frustration.
I wish I had known.
But I also have anxiety the other way; that the psychologist is going to say "actually, you're pretty normal. you don't have ASD". I can't believe it would happen, all things considered, but I can't help worrying about it. I genuinely don't know what I would do. I need other people to understand how it is for me. I need acknowledgement that I have these issues. My whole life has been a trial of frustration, loneliness, resentment, outbursts, inexplicable rage stupid, unjustifiable decisions (to any NT person), and as I have got older pretty regular periods of stress and depression as I fail to find a way to cope with my life.
I'm not looking for an excuse, but I do need to find who I am to find how to cope