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Friday, 24 August 2012

The fear of anxiety overload

Today's going to be a bad one. I can already feel it.

Wife had car trouble yesterday that I thought I had fixed by charging the battery, but while the dash lights come on, it still won't start.

So my morning began with failure in the rain, and leaving a very stressed wife at home who had slept little because of her anxiety about the car.  all i can think of now is how little use I have been to her in this, how much stress she has in having to deal with three ASD people in the house and how much better she would be if I reduced that number to 2.

I just want to run away. And at this moment in time i think she'd let me.  And now I am in work all my worries about the job are smashing into me as well.

So I am sitting at my desk fighting back the frustration and tears, much like I was 6 weeks ago when I had my collapse that took me out of work for a month.  I'm not sure I can cope with today.

And I am thinking that the reason why I am so stressed now is that I can't cope with wife's stress. It wouldn't be the first time I have felt out of control when she get stressed, and i think its because I am so used to her being calm, measured and reasonable. Anything other than that is a change from the routine and affects me badly.

I think the idea that Aspies can't empathise is definitely a myth. Its just that, like so much else, we don't display that empathy in the same way as NTs. I absolutely empathise with wife, but instead of making sympathetic noises i take the stress on board and end up as anxious as she is.

I'm not sure that's helpful, but as I type it I am analysing and it is actually making me feel better. Maybe just sitting down and rationalising out why i feel the way i feel is exactly what i need.

I need to contemplate this further and come back

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