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Thursday, 23 August 2012

The selfish view

For many years I have been aware that I am very self-obsessed in a way that I don't think other people are. Its not that I am vain about my looks - that would suggest that the opinion of other people was significant in some fashion. It could almost be said that my lack of regard for how other people view me is a sign of my lack of awareness.

But I am aware that I am selfish, and in some ways I feel very bad about it, and in the past I have tried to make up for it by being very humble, grateful and welcoming as much as I could be. I never spurned a gift (no matter how terrible) or turned down a kindness (even if it offended me if i knew it was done out of goodness). I have always been prepared to put people up if they need it and feed them if they are hungry.  I try to fight this nature of mine, but its just so easy to find myself caught in my own head and only able to understand how selfish I am being after a situation has passed.

At the moment I am marvelling at the simple fact that I have had a daughter who has been visibly developmentally challenged for 3 years, treated as disabled for 2 years and diagnosed for 1 year and yet it is not until now that I have really taken any huge interest in ASD, and that is because it now applies to me.  Worse is the fact that i have another daughter who has recently been put on the pathway to an Asperger's diagnosis and I still didn't investigate. 

Only now that its me. Now I'm involved.

Oh I know that the wife provided information from the Internet and doctors, support workers and teachers etc.. and that seemed good enough. only now, sitting in the middle of it, do I see how unfair it has been on her to be forced to attend all the meetings, medical and social, and find all the information and the strategies for dealing with the girls. And now here I sit, obsessing about my own condition and taking the time to post it all on here. back in my own head again.

Sometimes I really hate myself

The name of this blog says it all, and i need to remember it: its not all about me.

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