Redirecting Traffic

I've moved my blog.

Anyone interested should go over to www.anonymousaspie.com where I will continue to witter away

New year: the inscrutable future

Its a time when traditionally people do the who "new me" thing. Me? I don't think you can decide to change yourself based on a date. That's not a plan which will work in the long term. You need more incentive.

I feel I have been moving in a different direction for some months now, and when I look at january 2013 compared with now, I notice a few differences.

1 - I am now diagnosed (obviously)
2 - I am not on a knife edge in my marriage
3 - I have a new job
4 - I am substantially fatter (and i was never small)
5 - My right arm is in a cast (and trying to type is a proper bugger's muddle!)

While some of those things were fairly predictable (increase in girth) not all were, and all of them have come with different effects on my life: my diagnosis has drawn me into the AS community (including another irregular blog here, my happier marriage has reduced my worry, as has my new job, although it is less stimulating that the old one, my weight gain has made me unhappy with my size and appearance, and resolve that I must do something to fix it, and my arm in a cast - really surprising, overall - is
making everything more difficult, including blogging

So my decisions for this year are informed by last year but also by my attempt at long term planning. To be clear, I am not good at this.  I don't know if its an aspie thing or just a me-thing, but I can't visualise further than about 6 months in the future, which means I am generally good at short-term and annual planning, but not long term. Whatever the basis for it, I need to work at making long term plans rather than undertaking actions which will have long-term consequences.

As a result, here is my list of thinks I need to do this year, and feel I have or can gather the motivation to

• try to buy a house: long-term plan
• go on holiday: annual plan, but secondary to house buying, if something has to give way
• lose weight: a classic, but i think my health is suffering. I look and feel terrible and need to change that
• get more involved in the AS community online
• volunteer in real life, perhaps undertaking fundraising
• find a social activity to get involved with.

For me, this is a tall order, but i have 350-odd days to manage to make progress on each of these.

overall, i am feeling optimistic about 2014: financially I am in a better position, I feel more comfortable in my marriage and we are looking to buy a house for the first time. Knowing i have AS has really freed up my mind to stop worrying about those things which are "wrong" with me and accept them. no longer am I the self-hating geek I have been forever but a guy who finally knows why he is different, and that its no bad thing. I hope everyone else can view 2014 with a similar level of optimism.

A2's guide to a low stress christmas for ASD families

I love Christmas. Always have. Even through my awkward teenage years when visitors were welcome but I would sit silently in a room with them.

As I have got older, it has become even more exciting for me, and with the addition of 2 kiddies to the household, I don't think it could be bigger.

Which also means its stressful!

Having a diagnosis myself as well as 2 kids on the spectrum means that to have the opportunity to enjoy christmas, we need to follow a few rules, and I think that these might be pretty useful to other people in a similar situation.

So, here goes.

1 - PLAN! Spontaneity is nice in its place, but at Christmas, ASD children will be getting wound up in a way its hard to calm them down from. The entire world is throwing Christmas excitement at them. So, have a calendar, or a wall-planner, or a visual timetable they can see, and talk them through what is happening each day so they know what to expect.  At the moment mine says

Dec 18 - School all day
Dec 19 - School half day then playing at home
Dec 20 - Take Daddy to hospital/ playing at home
Dec 21 - Daddy's Birthday
Dec 22 - Playing at home
Dec 23 - Granny and Pappi coming
Dec 24 - Christmas Eve, Uncle AJ coming to stay
Dec 25 - Christmas Day: Uncle AJ, Granny and Pappi visiting

etc..We also always make sure we have a laminated sheet like a social story which has details of what is going on at each point through the day. this gives them much-needed structure and routine.

2 – Minimise unexpected visitors. I know this one seems a little odd. How can you minimise the unexpected?  Well, consider who the most likely people are to come visiting, and get in contact with them pre-emptively. Suggest a day/ time they might like to come round, and agree a date time with them, and stress to them no unannounced visits! I always try to organise a single day, maybe two, over the holidays to have all of our visitors as I find that one day with multiple visitors is easier for our girls (and us!) to handle than a few visitors over multiple days.  This year, we have invited people round for a Boxing Day leftover party, so by the end of the day on the 26^th, we will have seen all family who are likely to want to come round.

3 – Have enough for everyone! Its bad enough when NT kids fight over things. Just imagine what its like for ASD kids with their very egocentric world-view and inability to grasp the world view of others. Wherever possible, try to make sure that there is at least 1 of everything available to avoid the inevitable screaming meltdowns when “sharing” is suggested.

4 – keep sensory stimulation to a minimum. Flashing lights, crackers, balloons, music, cooking smells, alcohol: Christmas can be overwhelming for the most well-balanced person. To someone with sensory issues, which come hand in hand with ASD, it really can be too much.  Try to tone this down where you can: static Christmas lights rather than flashing, or ones with a slow pulse, no decorations which play tunes or move.  My girls really don’t like loud noises, so crackers are a no-go (or at best, they have to wear their ear defenders when they pull them) and the fear of balloons popping causes hysteria, so they are right out. Involving the kids with some aspect of helping with the cooking can mitigate the dislike of the odours. Alcohol, I’d recommend holding until the evening when they are not around so that the very strong smell of alcohol (and over-the-top antics of the well-fuelled) don’t upset them.

5 – on Christmas day, give them the opportunity to be excited and open presents, but don’t give them everything at once – it can lead to sensory overload. Try to ensure they only open 1 or 2 gifts at a time and then enjoy those items before moving on to something else. But remember its still important to keep up the...

6 – ROUTINE! As much as possible, get dressed at the same time, eat breakfast at the same time, if you are toilet training, have your potty breaks at the same time.  Nothing makes ASD children more anxious than unpredictability.

7 – Distractions. A good rule of thumb is always have something to hand to distract them with should it look like they are finding it too much

Christmas should be exciting and fun, but there’s no reason it has to be too much for ASD children (and dads like me!) to enjoy with everyone else with a little bit of planning and forethought.

For anyone else reading this who is part of an extended ASD family, please take note of how much work we have to put into keeping calm on Christmas. This is why we don't come to your house, its why we ask you don't arrive unexpectedly, its why, no matter how well-meaning your offer of help is, we've got this covered.  If you really want to help, come when you say you will, bring what you say you will, leave when you say you will and support our decisions and routine.  This will help us keep meltdowns at bad, and ensure that we all have the best Christmas we can.

An open letter to Autismspeaks

Dear Autismspeaks

I write this as a man diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome who is a high functioning business professional, as well as a dad of two girls, one of whom has been diagnosed with Autism, the other of whom is recognised as having sensory processing disorder and autistic traits, diagnosis pending.

As I am sure you know, there is a growing movement amongst the ASD and ASD supporters community to encourage organisations to distance themselves from you, and a growing number of other Autism and other Disability charities and organisations are also speaking out against you.  I am wondering if you know the reasons why?  If you are not sure, there is a page at http://boycottautismspeaks.com/why-boycott-1.html which spells it out in great detail, but this is the official reason, if you like. Every individual will have their own specific reason.

For me, there are two things that Autismspeaks could easily change that would make me more likely to be sympathetic to your cause. I could easily say that it is your apparent drive to find a “cure” for autism, which is upsetting.  Let me be clear: I do not need to be cured, any more than gays do. My daughters do not need to be cured.  As a parent I need to find a way to adapt my life to them, not the other way around. This would be true whether they had ASD, Huntingdon’s, MS, Cystic Fibrosis, were paraplegic or any other condition, or simply if they were ultra-demanding, high maintenance people with no medical issues. Children are always hard.  This is offensive, but its not my main complaint.

Nor is your history, such as supporting the fallacy that autism was caused by vaccinations. Who knows how many illnesses or deaths in children were caused by that little gem, which history has demonstrated to be a lie concocted by a man determined to sell his own vaccination, and so spread slander about the existing MMR.  This was an awful mistake that your organisation made, but people make mistakes.

Even your support of institutions which use “therapies” that would have people trialled for war crimes is not my primary concern. Awful, but not my personal bugbear. Nor is your poor record on using your donations directly for the ASD community. We’ve all seen the numbers and they are pretty shameful.

No, my issues are simple.

Autismspeaks uses negative imagery in its portrayal of autism to get its donations (http://vimeo.com/20692567), rather than showing the positive. Yes, people with autism can be very challenging until you understand the condition, but to compare the condition to having a fatal disease, and portraying it as a tragic burden is just repulsive.  Compounding this is the claim of an Autismspeaks executive that they considered driving off a bridge when they found out their child had autism.  I wonder whether this would have been the same if they found out their child was gay.  Its just a different way of operating.  how hard do you think your imagery is for people who have autism. It is demoralising, disrespectful and hugely damaging to their self-respect.

This approach convinces me that under current policy your name should be FearofAutismspeaks.  It is a terrible message to send to people who may never have come into contact with autism before when their child is diagnosed.  It’s a horrific thing to be floating in the atmosphere of society: autism is a life sentence! No its not. Its just a word. Not a sentence.

The second issue is this: where are the people with autism in your company? Where is the personal experience not just of living with someone with it, but of living with it? Living it? I’m sure you are very well aware of the phrase “Nothing about us without us!”. It’s very much the central tenet of positive disability movements.  Autismspeaks doesn’t seem to have much personal experience of Autism, and as such, its difficult for any of us who are part of the actual community to accept you know what you are talking about.  Exceptionally so.  And what makes matters worse is when now, at this moment, Autismspeaks is under pressure to give answers to the ASD community, it seems to be pretending it is not happening.  In summation – Autismspeaks does not listen.

I am a sensible and rational man, and I would love to be convinced that you are working for the good of the ASD community, so I invite you to do it. Show me I am wrong. Show me you listen. Show me you are not simply peddling fear for dollars. Show me your ASD leadership who are helping guide policy with their experience of autism.

For the next seven days, I will not promote the boycottautismspeaks campaign, in hope that you can give me an answer and I can say “I was wrong,” and “I am convinced”. But if you continue with what appears to be a stonewall policy on criticism by the ASD community, then I will assume that your lack of answers are simply due to the fact you can’t argue with the truth.

Yours respectfully

The anonymous aspie

Weathering the storm of unexpected change.

 I am furious!

Today, I was due to have surgery on my hand, a surgery which I had been preparing for since mid September, and been working through the details of since mid November.  Today, I got up at 5 a.m., as did wife and kids (well, actually, sometime between 5 and 6) to be at the hospital for 7. I had prepared myself mentally: go in early, get seen early, see consultant, see anaesthetist, go to theatre, general anaesthetic, surgery, wake up, go home. And to start with, it went according to plan.

Until the anaesthetist turned up, and decided he would rather do a local anaesthetic than a general, and spent time trying to pressure me into that. After 10 minutes of cajoling, I told him I had spent weeks preparing for general and I don't handle last minute changes of plan well. He could see I was getting upset, and agreed to do a general if that was feasible.

That shook me up some, and I started reading my book to try to calm down.  Just after 9, wife arrived, almost simultaneously with the returning anaesthetist, who tried to tell me as politely as possible that he was sorry but my surgery couldn't go ahead today, but the good news was that they had already booked another appointment for me in a different hospital.

So, to anyone reading this who knows about Asperger's  and has been following my blog, how well do you think I took that?  change of date, change of venue, sudden call off after an attempted change of plan on the day?

Safe to say the simplest description would be "not well".

I sat in silent shock, I cried, I stormed off, I came back and shouted, I stomped out of the building before coming back to try to find out when they had booked me for, and it turns out that they think the best time to operate is the day before my birthday (a day which has always been disastrous to me).

I was so angry! There's no way they can understand the amount of mental preparation I have put into this, not to mention discussions and agreements I have had at work - a job I only started the week before I found out I needed surgery - to ensure that they understood the need for this, and let me have the time off that I required.

And if the fact the surgery was cancelled wasn't bad enough, the reason for it was, put simply, that I'm too fat.

Seriously. I'm too fat to have surgery on my wrist and thumb.  Funny how that didn't come up in the hand clinic originally, or in the phone consultation when I gave them my details including my weight and height. No, I'm too fat today for the facilities at this particular hospital, and I'll need to have surgery at a different one.

So, to recap: the surgery was cancelled, on the day, at the last minute, when I was already in my surgical gown, wearing tags and with lines drawn all over my arm to indicate where incisions would be made.  The anaesthetist said I was too fat to have surgery and rebooked me to another hospital, closer to Christmas which has, by the way, already interfered with my Christmas plans.

Like I say - furious! It has taken me a good 3 hours to calm down to the point where I don't want to scream about this! This is exactly why we need services like ASQ to be able to collectively list experiences like this so service providers have something they can refer to and see examples of good/poor service and how it affects the ASD community.

So, now I have to prepare myself for surgery again, in 11 days, in a different hospital, at a different time, as well as come to terms with my weight - and let's face it, being told you are too fat for surgery, apparently because I would likely breather equipment, is something of a wake-up call!

Of course I can do it, but the level of stress this has given me today is just unreal. So much, in fact, o have decided to still have the day off work as I don't think I would have achieved anything in this frame of mind.

God bless the NHS.

December, and all that comes with it

November is over, and all the excitement of Christmas is coming.

I didn't blog once during November as I focused all my writing energies on NaNoWriMo, and seeing if I was up to the amount of daily writing that it would take for me to become a writer full time. Well, quantity I can do. Quality, not so much, but its all about practice. I enjoyed doing it, and hopefully I can keep motivating myself. 

An odd side effect is that now I no longer know what to do with my free time if I am not writing!

Anyway, December in all its glory is now here, and I am both looking forward to and dreading Christmas in pretty much equal measure.  Its only a week until I have my hand surgery, and while I know that its not a big deal - its only hand-surgery after all, not heart surgery - I am pretty anxious about it, and can't keep my mind off it.  6 weeks in a cast also does not sound like fun over the holiday period.

Still, I get 2 weeks paid off work over Christmas, so that's good.

But things I am most concerned about are thusly:

• ASD Daughters getting more and more hyped up, with no space or time to calm down. Meltdown City, if last year is anything to go by
• parents coming to visit for Christmas for first time. this will add to point above, and put wife in same category. She likes my parents, but this is pressure!
• Operation going badly, leaving me less able over the period.

now I love Christmas, and everything that goes with it (other than drunk drivers and office parties) and normally I don't stress about anything like this. I just relax and enjoy it, letting the good old Christmas spirit take over, but in recent weeks, wife has declare her theory that ASD people love Christmas because they are programmed to from childhood, with everything reinforcing how wonderful Christmas should be, and we are effectively forced to love it, meaning that a bad Christmas to NTs is an absolute disaster to NNTs, and that maybe if we thought for ourselves, we would see that Christmas wasn't that great.

And I was gutted! She didn't use those exact words, but I followed through on her train of thought, and it made me sad and a little angry that she was telling me that I only like Christmas because people have told me to, and because my brain is abnormal.  It really hurt, but I couldn't tell or show her that because I felt it would only reinforce my abnormality.

It hurt, and it made me sad, and it only reinforces the feeling I have that wife and I are drifting apart, but that's a blog for another day.

Right now I have presents to wrap, cards to write and a family Christmas to prepare for.

Family frustrations

Days like today, I really hate.

Wife has been up early, since before 6, with DD2. And as a result she is already feeling tired. Which is fine and understandable. 

But she is also doing a lot of huffing and harrumphing and so far today between then and now, when she is going for a shower, she has not got off the couch, leaving me to do all of the dressing of the kids, the breakfasts, the chasing around after them etc.

All of which would still be fine if it didn’t feel like she was also being grumpy and disapproving at me, like I’m doing something wrong. I really don’t think I am. I’ve been doing household chores and playing with the kids and I just feel like I am being constantly disapproved of.

Maybe its just paranoia, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is how it feels.

To be honest, all I want right now is a little peace and quiet in my room, just a few minutes reading to try to change my mind’s focus, but now she’s in the shower I can’t do that, so instead I am trying to get everything down in this blog post whilst trying to fulfil kiddy requests for snack, juice and cuddles.

I know wife is very tired at the moment ad she has taken on a college course and I don’t think she realised how much work teacher training was going to be. She has spread herself too thin, and at the moment it feels like I am the one losing out, and I am being seen as a distraction and a source of tension.

Edit: and in a strangely ironic twist, it turns out her issues are not about me at all. She was humiliated in class by a lecturer yesterday and is obsessing about that.

This, combined with the worry over my upcoming surgery on my “good” hand means that I am currently not in the best frame of mind, and I’m feeling a little abandoned and taken for granted.

I find it hard to speak to her about these things however as we don’t seem to be able to have discussions like this without the becoming fights about something else.  I am very poor at keeping rational when talking about my emotions, and I know she feels very frustrated about living in a house where 3 people have asd and her needs always come last.

Its frustrating, miserable and depressing, and I really don’t have a clue how to go about addressing it positively, so I have no doubt when she comes out of the shower I won’t talk about it, and will try to simply put up with her silent disapproval father than end up speaking out and “causing” a fight.

The scourge that is Helpful People

Whether its part of my nature, a product of my environment or just something to do with being aspie, I have trouble asking for help.

Mainly, I just don’t feel I need it. Whatever I am attempting to undertake, I am perfectly competent to achieve, or I wouldn’t have started it in the first place. Simple, pragmatic fact.

Except its not a fact.  In what I know is a very aspie way, my view of the world is very black and white. I have trained myself over many years to perceive the almost invisible shades of grey that NTs see in everything.  And I can now, when I try, perceive those shades of grey in most things, but almost never in myself or my own abilities.

After a very long day, I was having trouble using the computer at home; simply selecting the option on a drop-down menu in Word was proving a hell of a challenge but, because I know that I am competent at using Word, when wife started making suggestions and, worse, pointing at the screen and showing me where to click, I verbally lashed out at her. I finished what I was doing and went to the kitchen to put the kettle on to make tea – my classic move of “I’m leaving the room, leave me alone” – and have a bit of quiet time to calm down.

Which would have been great if wife hadn’t then came in and said that when she tried to help it would be nice to have some gratitude.

Cue fight.

Now I’m sure any aspies reading this will understand the problem. Its not about someone helping, its about someone effectively questioning your competency, and trying to “help” where help is not necessary – even when it is!

The fight was brief, and I did explain to wife my frustrations at my own performance and the perceived criticism, but that I did appreciate that she meant well, and so its all sorted out.

Until next time, when virtually the same thing will happen again and we’ll end up having the same fight.

So, I need a solution; how do I convince myself that someone’s offer of help is not about criticism of me or my ability but a genuine offer of assistance with no agenda, particularly when I am rattlin’ (a good colloquialism for on the edge)

For now, I am simply going to watch for these instances and make a note of how often they happen and what my response is, how often it becomes a fight.

I suppose sometimes letting someone must be better as it will keep the peace, and there are days where its better to keep the peace than make a point, right?

 

Fab fun forgotten fiction found!

I can't believe it!

After 5 years of neglect, my old LiveJournal account still exists!  I am shocked.

The best thing about this is not LJ itself but the fact that I had short stories that I wrote years ago attached to it. I am so excited.

Each of the short stories was inspired by background characters in an RPG I used to run set in White Wolf's World of Darkness, a setting that I think is largely responsible for the current obsession with Vampires in pop-culture.  I loved it so much, and i loved the act of creation.  I couldn't just create the city or set the stories for the characters, i felt I needed to give more depth to my city, and these stories were part of that.

here's an excerpt from Beyond any Measure, a chapter in the story of the hulking ex-con Monk, who works as a doorman/ muscle for one of the major characters, but has no idea that his boss is a Vampire.  In this story he was on the trail of whoever killed his friend with lethally cut heroin.


********************************************************

“Well shit, it really is you,” sez Eddie the Ear. “I ain’t seen you since…” his face screws up as he thinks
“… night before the Spinozzo family had an accident in Harlem.” I supply.
Eddie’s startin’ to look like an old man. His face is getting’ flabby. I guess he’s put on about twenty pounds in the last few years. He scratches at his greyin’ stubble.
“The Spinozzos, yeah,” he sez lookin’ thoughtful. I take a look at his office. Eddie’s workin’ out of an upstairs apartment above the pawn shop he owns downstairs. I don’t know what angle he’s workin’ these days, but it’s guaranteed whatever it is ain’t legal. His nephew Vinnie is sittin’ on the edge of a table glarin’ at me. I recognise the type immediately; he looks about twenty, still wet behind the ears, and that sneer he’s carryin’ says he wants to make a name for himself, and maybe thinks I’m the man whose corpse to make it on. Eddie sends him out to get a beer for me.
“So why you turnin’ up here after all this time?” he asks me, “I thought you stopped workin’ for The Family.” I nod my head, relaxin’ down into a chair.
“I talked to Old Mike Gravano when I came out of my last stretch. Told him I wanted out. Old Mike gives me a handshake, tells me I done good an’ proud by his family, and if I wanna work again, to come see you.” 
The kid comes back with a beer. Its some German shit that I wouldn’t feed to a two day drunk. I hold the bottle loosely between my first two fingers, down by the side of the chair.
“But I ain’t lookin’ for work,” I say “I need information, and you’re “The Ear”.
“There’s someone pushin’ bad shit in town. I got a friend who is the worse for usin’ it. I need to know who’s workin’ East Rutherford.”
“Sorry Monk,” he sez a little too fast, “I don’t know nuthin’ about drugs. That ain’t my bag.”
My lips go tight. This is Eddie “The Ear” Scoleri, the best information magnet I ever met. He never knows nothin’ about anythin.
“Eddie,” I say softly “if you don’t tell me what I need to know voluntarily, I’m gonna have to ask you another way.” Eddie don’t flinch, but I see Vinnie straighten and reach for his piece.
“Kid,” I say, raisin’ my voice, “do you know what a bi-polar recursive haematoma is?” I look at him, seein’ the confused look in his baby blues. “Its when the part of your brain that causes you to feel pain – when, for example, some young Paesan puts a bullet in you – shuts off.
“Now if you draw that sidearm you might kill me, but my body’ll take thirty seconds or so to shut down. More’n enough time for me to snap your neck like a rotten twig.” Little Vinnie gets some fear in his eyes but his hand is still inside his jacket.
“’Sides,” I add, “my guy on the roof across the street’s got you covered.”
The minute the kid’s eyes flicker to the window I’m in motion. My right arm whips up and over, releasing the bottle, and I’m right behind it. The base of the bottle hits him just above the right eye. His head snaps back. I reach him and slam a right into his gut, lifting him off his feet as his breath whooshes out. My left mitt clubs down across his jaw, knockin’ him to the floor.
I pull my knife from under my coat and kneel on the kid’s neck. A gurglin’ comes from his throat ‘til he passes out. I grab his right ear and pull hard. Behind me I hear Eddie protest. I ignore him and make a hard ’n’ fast pass with the knife. I stand up with my prize in my hand.
“Next time get me an American beer,” I sneer into the ruined shell of his ear.

********************************************************

Its not my best work, but I loved writing it, and finding this and some of the other stories from those days really makes me excited about NaNoWriMo. Maybe I can get back to the stories of those minor characters and sidekicks; the hard-working and unappreciated colleagues and minions, the left-hand men and button men of that shadowy world who played out the instructions of their dark masters.

fun!!!

My journey with Asperger's Syndrome (high functioning autism): In the dark: Hiding the light

My journey with Asperger's Syndrome (high functioning autism): In the dark: Hiding the light:

An interesting blog from a relatively "new" Aspie

Emotional Dissonance and Edmund Blackadder

I love Backadder. It is one of he greatest shows of all time, and it was on TV at just the right time for me to become hopelessly obsessed with it.  I can quote it line by line (for most episodes of the entire 4 series run) and no matter how many times I watch it, it doesn't stop being funny.

Having seen every episode somewhere north of 20 times (and some episodes many, many more) I consider myself to be something of an expert on it, being able to tell you names of episodes, characters, actors, and can tell you what the best scenes were, the funniest dialogue and the best of the cunning plans.

So, as an expert on all things Blackadder, it upset me greatly for many years that people kept disagreeing with me about the best episode.  It just doesn't make sense! I understand it better, I have watched it more, I think I have a better measure of judgement.

No, I have always argued, while that is a good episode, it is not the best.   And its always the same one! Everyone says that the final episode of Series 4 - Goodbyeee - is the best.

I used to argue by series.

Series 1 - The Witchsmeller: Better
Series 2 - Beer (or Potato) absolute classics!
Series 3 - Awesome Series! Almost everything is better, but particularly Amy and Amiability, and Duel and Duality (THIS is the best episode).
Series 4 - Private Plane and General Hospital are both awesome.

And people would still argue.

So I watched it over and over again and while I enjoy watching it, I just can't see it, can't understand it. Why do rational, sensible people tell me that this episode is the crowning achievement of Blackadder, and a fitting epitaph for the show.

And only now, when I have a diagnosis, when I understand how I am different to other people do I get it.  It is not the dialogue, the acting, the comedy or the content which is superior; it is the emotion, it is the understanding that all of those characters whom we have grown to love are all going to die and the characters know it too!

When the guns are silenced and the soldiers step up to their ladders, it is the certain knowledge that this is the end.

And what sets it apart as an episode is that final scene. This is a replica of what hundreds of thousands of young men went through in those four awful years; stepping over the parapet of the trench into enemy machine guns, knowing that they would likely die in a foreign field. Invoking the Zeitgeist, finishing with stillness, silence and poppies is a beautiful, tragic and genius moment of television.

I feel the power of it now, as I think about it, and imagine the fear, resignation and unspeakable bravery of those men, and I will never again question anyone's insistence that this is Blackadder's finest moment.

Writing time

So, to take my mind off of my impending surgery I have decided to try my hand at novel writing. And because I lack focus, tend to become obsessive and work in short bursts I am joining in with thousands of other people attempting to write a 50000 word novel in 30 days as part of NaNoWriMo

So, that's thinking of and typing over 1000 words of story and dialogue per day. I am not convinced this is a good idea but I imagine its going to be a hell of an experience, and I'm even looking forward to the local launch party 2 days before where I will get to meet some people who are doing the same thing.

But the thing is I've signed up as anonymousaspie, and so it will be odd going to the launch event and either
A- introducing myself as anonymousaspie or
B- using my real name and thereby destroying my illusion on anonymity.

I am puzzled.

Anyway, I've got a idea or 2 percolating away, things I have gathered together over the years or stuff that has stuck in my brain.  I have a couple of character ideas, a story name but not yet a concept for the full story, but I'm doing some research and thinking, noting down anything new that occurs to me.  Anything to not think about the hand surgery!

I am wondering if my new awareness of self and aspie state will influence any of my writing. Writing isn't new to me. i used to write settings for role-playing games, and when i wrote a setting it was intricate, well-planned, evolved and detailed. There were characters you would never meet that i had hopes and dreams sketched for.  I loved creating a living setting, so that if players decided to go off-piste, as it were, i always had a vast expanse for them to explore; sort of the RPG equivalent of the computer sandbox-game experience.

but this is completely different. I had time to shape and mold and perfect my characters and settings. this is the exact opposite. in a lot of ways its a nightmarish proposition, but if i ever really want to be a writer, then i need to start somewhere, and taking the plunge here might be just the thing to get me into a literary frame of mind.

And away from hand surgery!

Suddenly, surgery. WTF???

It was hard enough going to hospital yesterday. My thumb has been getting sorer and less mobile for months, and I've been seeing a physiotherapist recently.

On Friday I managed to badly injure myself while attempting to take the till receipt from the checkout attendant at Tesco (Really!). It was so bad I immediately went to minor injuries unit to look at my hand.

They put my hand in an old-lady-style dressing and referred me to the hand clinic on Wednesday. Cue a weekend full of me clumsily knocking stuff over and insisting I can still lift & carry with ease (LIE!), followed by a hand cramp incident on Tuesday which meant I had to come home from work.

By Wednesday I was really ready to see a doctor, but I don't really enjoy hospitals that much.  So wasn't it nice of them to forget I was there for 2 hours!!!  At least when they realised their error they booted me to the front of the queue and gave me preferential treatment from there on it.

One pragmatic doctor assesment later (he just grabbed my thumb and bent it back quickly and i screamed) and i'm on my way to X-ray. 20 minutes later I'm sitting in from of the doctor again (protecting my thumb this time!) and he's telling me that what I need is reconstructive surgery as my volar ligament (?) on my thumb is basically not there any more, and they'll have to open my thumb and my wrist up to reconnect one to the other using tissue they will stretch from my forearm.

Seriously???


I just have a sore thumb!  please be kidding!

but they are not. I am on my way to having what the doctor described as the most complex surgery they do on that part of the body.

Followed by 6 weeks in a cast and then months of physio.

I can't believe it. I'm just shocked, and more than a little scared. Its my right hand and I am right handed, and I can't help thinking about what would happen if it goes wrong.

I am also worried for wife. she already has 3 people with ASD in the house to worry about, without then having to pick up the slack for the things I can't do during my rehab.

Fuckity bawbags!

Diagnosis!

Finally!

After a year or more of waiting, I have been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome.

So. Aspie. Just as I had thought, hoped and feared.

And while it comes as a tremendous relief, it is also tinged with sadness as I know I can never be "normal". but then what is normal other than the average you get when you throw all elements of a sample together and find what is in the middle. No-one necessarily fulfils the criteria of normality perfectly, I am just farther from it than other people.

And in a lot of ways this is a good thing. I have a name for my little box, I can study it and I can become more self-aware. There are many other people who don't have this privilege; other people that don't have a ready-build support society both online and offline to assist in any adjustments and give advice.

I had always intended to "out" myself once I was diagnosed, no longer using the anonymousaspie handle and just using my own name (or at least my own picture), but over the last year I've become quite used to being A2, and to be honest I do still want some level of anonymity.  As some people have observed to me, much of my blog is very personal and brutally honest.  I know some of it would shock and upset my wife, and I don't really want to do that, so for the moment, so that I can continue writing with complete freedom, I'm going to stick to being anonymous.

What comes next?

Well, basically, nothing. Life goes on. I tell people who I feel need to know, I look into what support mechanisms exist and see if they would help me.  But in essence nothing changes other than I have the confidence of knowing who and what I am and where that puts me in relation to the rest of the world.

I can't actually imagine a more positive outcome than this.

What have the English ever done for us?

This morning, this was posted by someone I follow on Twitter.

Person from abroad: you're so lucky to live in England Me: hahahabahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha DYING
— Dr Sheldon Cooper (@_MattP20) September 22, 2013

I decided to respond (please forgive the bad spelling. I never type well on an iPad)

@_MattP20 I agree with the lerson from abroad. People don't appreciate how good it is in England compared to 95% of other countries
— anonymous aspie (@anonymousaspie) September 22, 2013

and the conversation then went down this road

@_MattP20 Healthcare, free schools, benefits system, public transport, freedom of speech, welfare state, opportunity, work, Cornish pasties
— anonymous aspie (@anonymousaspie) September 22, 2013

@_MattP20 Define "failing". More people are cured or have life expectancy extended by NHS every year.
— anonymous aspie (@anonymousaspie) September 22, 2013

@anonymousaspie the government don't care about us anymore, opportunity for what? Companies are slowly hiring after recession, still tricky
— Dr Sheldon Cooper (@_MattP20) September 22, 2013

@_MattP20 Have you ever lived anywhere else?
— anonymous aspie (@anonymousaspie) September 22, 2013

@_MattP20 then I really dont think you can understand why people want to be here. Its sad you ghink so little of such a great country.
— anonymous aspie (@anonymousaspie) September 22, 2013

@anonymousaspie its only because the things that other people think are so great have failed me.
— Dr Sheldon Cooper (@_MattP20) September 22, 2013

Now I can't say I'm surprised. The English media are very good at portraying "broken" Britain, and telling us how bad everything is, and they just reinforce and reinforce day after day until we believe there is nothing good about this country.

And its just not true.  England is a great place to live.  Twitter doesn't give me the time of amount of characters I need to express this, so I'm going to do it here.

This is in no way a slight at @_MattP20 in fact, I'm thankful he gave me the opportunity to get this off my chest!

What is so good about England? I'll start with my initial tweet

Healthcare - The NHS, for all its faults, is still one of the best healthcare systems in the world. yes it has problems but year on year it helps diagnose, treat and cure more and more people, which in the long run is going to leave us with a significant problem cos everyone is living longer but spending long peiod of it not working due to our excellent medical system

free schools - yes, we pay tax for it, but if your argument against any country is "you have to pay tax" you're not living in the real world. the schools are an entitlement for everyone in the UK up to the age of 18 to receive a state sponsored education at institutions which have standards that they must achieve. there are many countries out there where this is simply not the case, and the underclass do not have access to basic education

benefits system - controversial, but Britain as a society tries to ensure that no-one has nothing and everyone is able to hold together the basic amenities of life, no matter what their situation. there are many other countries where people without money are simply abandoned as there is no system - no safety net - to catch them. It also ensures that people who have additional needs or their carers have the resources to be able to do this rather than have to put people into institutional care, which would be a much higher burden on the taxpayer.

public transport - buses, trains, underground, trams, in some places also bicycles, England has a multitude of government-sponsored ways of getting around. i was shocked when i lived in the US that if i didn't have access to a car or bike, i was pretty much stuck. public transport where i was living didn't exist. Now if its like that in the USA, what's it like in the rest of the world?

Freedom of speech - you can say what you want about whom you want (as long as you can justify it) and protest about anything (as long as you do it within the law). There are not too many countries that are as open and liberal in outlook to free speech as we are, and in many countries the repressive regimes ensure that the local law enforcement agencies are just thugs that enforce their rule or silence.

opportunity - SO much opportunity. the opportunity to get a better education, to get a better job, to work for yourself, to create a successful business, to take part, to play, to live your life without fear.

work - there are lots of jobs for those who really want one. look at any website, job paper, job centre and there are thousands. the problem is often the snobbery of people who don't want to do a job they see as beneath them, or think they are better off on benefits (which IS a significant problem). but the bottom line is, if people want to work, there are jobs out there. Or, work for yourself. there are tens of thousands of self-employed one-man operations doing all sorts of work, from window cleaning to music composing for video games (my brother in law). In England, you can turn what you are good at into a job. you just have to figure out how.

Cornish pasties - love 'em.

And to continue, here's a few really big ones I didn't get to before:

For all its faults, we have a wide-reaching, effective police force. We don't have to spend or lives in fear of militant groups or militias gunning us down as an example or because we are the wrong religion.

We are religiously tolerant. Even the most obnoxious, hateful, bigoted person can live here as long as they are not preaching murder, and that covers Christianity as well as non-state religions (I would have kicked Ian paisley out of the UK years ago if I could).

Women aren't nearly as repressed as they are in many other countries, although I accept that equality is currently theoretical rather than actual. but women have opportunity here.

The UK has a commitment to fairness, tolerance, open mindedness and justice. In a world where many people don't have access to fresh water, where mortality rates are high, where schools are for the wealthy, where women can be legally raped because they are property, where they don't have an equivalent to the NHS and have to walk hundreds of miles to a clinic which may not be able to help them, does England really seem like that bad a place?

We all have our own experiences of these institutions, and may well have negative views, but just step back for a minute and think: would I prefer to have been born is Somalia? North Korea? Bangladesh? Nicaragua? Namibia? Afghanistan? The list goes on.

I'm pretty sure if you go through all the countries in the world and balance all the things that England has against each of the other nations, you'll end up with a short list of places you might prefer to live.

I live in England and I love it here, for all its flaws. I wouldn't live anywhere else (with the possible exception of New Zealand)

And I'm Scottish.

Blurred Lines = Rape Anthem

I know I'm not the first person to catch on to this, but how is it that Blurred Lines - a song which is essentially about a man wanting to have sex with women who he assumes want him - is such a popular track?

It might as well be the anthem of the rapist. In years to come I suspect it will be.

In fact, here's a link to an article where the lyrics are compared directly to the very powerful images from Project Unbreakable (a site where sexual assault victims write & hold up words their abusers used during their rape).

From the Mouths of Rapists: The Lyrics of Robin Thicke’s ‘Blurred Lines’

What gets me about this is the unbelievable level of ignorance from the world in general.

Let's start with the writers. Do they really believe this abusive dross they are writing?  Does they really think it is appropriate to effectively boast that they like to have sex with women who seem unwilling but  actually want sex?

Then on to the producers. I know that in our corporate capitalist world there are no morals where making a profit is concerned, but pushing this onto radio & TV stations across the world when it is clearly pretty appalling content is despicable.

Thirdly, the radio stations themselves.  My workplace has a radio on quietly in the background, and in 1 day I heard the song play 4 times on one of our local stations, so I am quite sure it is being played at least as much on the national stations and broadcasting its horrific, not-even-morally-ambiguous message at anyone within hearing range of a radio, including an awful lot of impressionable youngster.

But the thing that annoys me the most - the people make me the angriest about this song's success - are the people who have bought it, who sing it without thinking about it, who bop away to it quite happily as they don't actually listen to what its about.  It is a case of brutal levels of ignorance giving appalling messages a platform.

I actually brought this up in my office full of women the other day, and of the 4 I managed to involve in conversation, 3 of them really liked it and none of them had any clue about the lyrics.  When I pointed out the lyrics and what it seems to be about, they were all horrified and asking how it gets on the radio. Because of people like you!!!

It makes me sad and angry that as a society we seem to actually encourage this behaviour and language, and yet when as a country we stood up to say NO to Simon Cowell and the X-Factor culture and made Killing in the Name Christmas No 1, many radio stations refused to play it as it had swearing in it.

So, that's  a public protest against domination of the music industry by Cowell land his cronies banned for swearing, but a sexually aggressive song passively promoting rape OK'ed by by society in general and played everywhere.

And I do mean everywhere. At this moment in time, its pretty much the biggest song in the world. It has been no 1 in over 40 countries and has been at no 1 in USA longer than any other song this year.

Isn't that sad?  Really, really sad?

I don't know if there's anything I can do about it other than help spread awareness, but I'm really pleased that not everyone in the world is just passively accepting this sexist bullshit. (see the link below)

Universities ban Blurred Lines on campuses around UK

Opening up: Asperger's & the new job

Its Day 4 of the new job, and while I am still waiting for that diagnosis (see previous blog) I have already made sure that both my line manager and the person I will be working most closely with, one of the office deputies, are aware of my situation.

On day 2 they decided to have a 10 minute chat with me about how it affected me, whether there was anything they could do to help and how it would manifest if there were issues.

I was really happy that it felt like someone was taking an interest without taking a negatively slanted view. Indeed, my line manager said that after she thought about what it meant, we could do with a few more with a touch of Asperger's in this line of work. It felt good :)

So, onto the job itself.  Mainly I am chaecking the structure of a data system and adding information to it under a strict set of guidelines with some complex user-tools.

Which means it suits me down to the ground.

I decided it would be nice to create a quick list of Pros and Cons comparing this job to the last one, and the results were as follows

Cons

• It pays less

Pros

• I don't have to deal with the horrific bitch who ran the last place
• My commute from door to desk is 8 minutes
• I am working in the same location that my wife is undertaking her teacher training and work placement
• My level of responsibility is significantly lower
• I am not responsible for other people
• It is less stressful
• Communication is much more open and honest, so there is very little politicking going on
• There doesn't appear to be any "us" and "them" within the department
• I can park 2 minutes walk from my desk
• There are gym facilities on site that I can use
• There is a library where staff can hire out DVD's. for free :)
• The atmosphere is much more laid back
• I get 4 days more holiday than I got at the old place, and thats at the starting allowance!
• There don't appear to be any periods that I can't book holiday during

OK, I'm only 4 days in and it already looks pretty good!

The other thing that is making me happy today is this: I have discovered that my former workplace have made my position redundant. Why does this make me happy? Because it reinforces my claim that they were trying to force me out, and it would mean that a case for constructive dismissal is more likely to succeed.  Added to that is the fact that they had a round of voluntary redundances a few months ago. I inquired informally about VR and was told that my position was too important to be made redundant, and so i was not eligible.

So, my former boss lied to me, denying me a redundancy payout, then bullied me out of the job and made my role redundant. 

I think i might just be talking to my union rep and possibly my solicitor very shortly.

The endless fortnight!

Last week I attended my final session with the psychologist team responsible for my diagnosis. They were very nice, very supportive and made me feel at ease. For the first time I can remember I went into a situation knowing that I didn't have to wear my mask, didn't have to watch what I said or how I said it. If anything, being careful of what I said and how I said it would potentially hamper the process.

At the end of the session they said that they couldn't tell me anything until they had made their diagnosis, but the lead professional did say that given the evidence, the diagnosis of Asperger's was a very real possibility. But it might take up to to 3 weeks for them to make their diagnosis, at which point they woudl get back to me for one final session where we could discuss the outcome.

That was a week ago.

I'm not sure how patiently I can wait over the course of the next few weeks. to me, the question of aspergers was resolved long ago. i mean, i wouldn;t call myself anonymous aspie if I didn't think I was aspie, but there is always danger in self-diagnosis that there is a professional that will come along and argue with you.  My problem is that, no matter how sure I am that I am aspie, until I have a confirmed diagnosis from a medical professional I will not be happy.  Basically, its not good enough that I know the answer, I need someone to acknowledge that I am correct (which is, sadly, part of my Aspie brain - "VALIDATE MY ANSWER! CONFIRM MY CORRECTNESS!")

I know its not long but it is becoming the longest wait fo my life, longer than waiting for my kids to be born - no, wait, they were both premature. That's not a good example - longer than waiting for the next series of Game of Thrones!

2 Weeks. I should know by October. That's not too bad, right?

Right?

Topsy turvy world

What a few weeks its been!

I had a meltdown at work. A full-on, screaming,  body-shaking uncontrollable rage meltdown which resulted in me going fully overboard, quitting my job and storming out.  There's more to the story, and it involves me putting a formal complaint in against the head of the department and working out my notice once in was assured that I wouldn't have to work with her.

But it was awful. I have never felt so out of control, so helpless and so frustrated and so ANGRY! I swear that woman deliberately goaded me into the meltdown, just so she could fire me due to my reaction.

Anyway, I left.

So, jobless, panicking, wife starting college, daughters just started school after summer holidays. For someone like me who thrives on routine this was as traumatic as it could have been.

So I work out my notice and on the last day, last Friday, I still did not have a job to go to. Terrified for what the future was going to bring for me and my family I left the workplace almost in tears. I was happy I wouldn't be going back there to work with that bullying, discriminating bitch, but just so worried.

And on Monday I had an interview, which by Tuesday had become a job offer and by next Monday will be back to full time gainful employment.

Awesome!

It just goes to show that sometimes throwing yourself into the abyss of uncertainty can have positive consequences. I have taken myself so far out of my comfort zone by doing this, but I think in the long run it will have positive benefits, not only taking away the stress of working in that place for that woman but just for the experience of having taken a leap of faith and have it work out.

The Process

On 21st of August, in a small, secluded little collection of buildings, I began my assessment process.

It has taken a year or so to get to this point, and the outcome is not guaranteed, but I have no words to describe the immense sense of relief to be talking to experts, discussing Aspergers as a condition, to be undergoing diagnostic process, to be able to just let go and tell someone who might understand just how hard it all is on a daily basis; how hard it is to care, how hard it is to make sure I am giving appropriate responses, how hard it is to keep control of my tongue and make sure that I'm not inadvertently offending the world.

I have seen them 3 times and they have decided they have all the information they need to consider what, if any, diagnosis there will be.  While they couldn't say for sure, they did say that there is a very good chance that Aspergers would be the diagnosis.

And I got an odd rush of emotion; sadness, anger, anxiety and relief. I had to take a few minutes to sit in the car on my own quietly just to let it all sink in.  Finally, maybe, I have a framework to help me understand myself. But isn't it funny that I need someone else's permission before I can fully grasp it?