Lockerbie

Lockerbie

 For anyone in my part of the world, Lockerbie is a name synonymous with horror and pain.  It was probably the first really significant event in my life which had a personal impact, and looking back on my behaviour linked to it, I can see the early Aspie warning signs.
 I vividly remember the news report on the television, my mother wailing as she realised that the plane had landed on my Aunt & Uncle's house, killing them and their daughter, and at a stroke orphaning their two sons.  My mum was distraught as she had been close to her cousin when they were children, my dad was comforting her as she cried.

 Me? I was just annoyed that this had ruined my birthday. Sure I was upset, but mainly because I was feeling sorry for myself as this would now be what this day was be about.

Flash forward 4 years. On the morning of my birthday as I was getting my cake, my dad got a phonecall giving him the tragic news that his younger brother had committed suicide. He was devastated, and completely fell apart. I've never seen him as vulnerable as he was in that moment.

Me? I just flipped out that my uncle couldn't choose any other fucking day to do this. Looking back at it, its clear that all of this affected me badly, but I can't say it was through grief.  It was anger, self-pity, and selfishness that people kept ruining my day by dying.

I know it sounds like I was just a horrifically selfish teenager, and no doubt that is true, but no matter how self-centered someone is, surely an element of grief is normal for the deaths of 4 family members.  

Anyway, my solution for how to deal with these 2 family tragedies was to decide never to celebrate my birthday on that day again, but to pick a neutral day in May when nothing ever happens. I did this for about 10 years, and refused to acknowledge birthday greetings from my family.

Amazingly, my family went with it. They actually put up with this madness! And I am grateful for that, but came the day when none of it seemed to have any meaning any more, and I decided to take my day back. Ans since then I've been growing older properly.

But I wonder sometimes whether my rage and frustration about this, my inability to explain my rage to people, my lack of understanding of how important and painful all of this was could have - and maybe should have - been interpreted by someone as ASD symptoms.  I guess I'll never know, but it was from about then that I realised that I really thought differently to everyone else.

As a sad post-script to this story, my 2 cousins orphaned at Lockerbie have both since died. One stepped in front of a train, the other overdosed on drugs. An entire branch of a family wiped out because of this incident.

Another week passed.

This is a real learning experience for me. I don't think I have ever spent so much time examining my own conduct, thoughts and behaviour, or considering what the impact of my actions are on those around me.  I don't mean that to sound selfish, but I have just never put a lot of thought into the consequences of my actions.

What is clear to me is that be spending this time in self-reflection i am becoming much more aware of how I operate, why I get stressed and finding my own ways of reducing that stress (this blog being one of them).

I told my wife today of one of my odd little habits at work, and it was the first time I have seen a certain look on her face (which I am interpreting as "OK, that is weird"). I told her about my compulsion first thing in the morning to wipe off any data on the whiteboard relating to staff who were sick/ on holiday as soon as the information was out of date, and that I can only do it with the index finger of my right hand.  It sounded odd to me as I said it, but it also happens to be true.  I can stop myself, but I don't see why I should.

I've also started looking back at younger days with a more critical eye. There were always things I did in my life that happened when I felt like I was detached from the incident. It was almost like I was riding co-pilot with myself, in control but somehow separate, with complete emotional detachment. In this state I could (and did) do some really stupid things, the worst one being when I deliberately crashed the car just to see what would happen.

Is that part of being Aspie, or part of ASD generally? The ability to just do something to see what will happen, something that you intellectually know to be a very poor idea but that you feel the need to test for yourself.  I was very lucky I didn't hurt myself or anyone else that day, but I certainly wasn't considering the consequence of my actions.

I just wanted the experience.

Update: After posting the question on Twitter I have had someone come back to me and tell me that they also have the compulsion to crash the car just to see what happened, but that they can't afford to (in more ways than financial). I am so glad that its not just me!  These odd little compulsions of curiosity occur to me all the time (e.g. I wonder what would happen if I suddenly kissed that girl?) and they do take more than just casual dismissal, I genuinely have to reason it out to myself why I shouldn't do it, where I think for NTs the thought is just dismissed, or possibly contemplated without any genuine intention of carrying it out.

Childhood indications

So, this morning I was thinking about things I did as a kid which were maybe indicators to ASD. I know my mother took me to the doctor due to my behaviour but that was,well before aspergers was accepted as a condition by the NHS.

I know I have an obsessive personality and have for years avoided things on tv that would suck me into pointlessly enforced routines e.g. soaps but with other things I get so into them that I find it hard to do anything else with my spare time.  I remember becoming so obsessed by football stickers that I stole money from my parents to try to complete the collection. I couldn't explain why it was so important to me.

I also remember doing really antisocial things that even at the age of 10 or so were gross e.g. getting into trouble at school for making people sniff my fingers after I put them up my bum. I don't know whether its related but I'm also terrifically repressed and find it hard to talk about things like that. This is the first time I have talked or written of that incident and it still makes me feel awkward.

I know its going to take a long time to get my head around all of this but I have been able to talk to my wife about things that bothered her or me in light of this and its going to help us both. Apparently I walk away in the middle of conversations and it bothers her. I didn't know I did it but its common apparently, so I'm standardly abnormal at least.