New year: the inscrutable future

Its a time when traditionally people do the who "new me" thing. Me? I don't think you can decide to change yourself based on a date. That's not a plan which will work in the long term. You need more incentive.

I feel I have been moving in a different direction for some months now, and when I look at january 2013 compared with now, I notice a few differences.

1 - I am now diagnosed (obviously)
2 - I am not on a knife edge in my marriage
3 - I have a new job
4 - I am substantially fatter (and i was never small)
5 - My right arm is in a cast (and trying to type is a proper bugger's muddle!)

While some of those things were fairly predictable (increase in girth) not all were, and all of them have come with different effects on my life: my diagnosis has drawn me into the AS community (including another irregular blog here, my happier marriage has reduced my worry, as has my new job, although it is less stimulating that the old one, my weight gain has made me unhappy with my size and appearance, and resolve that I must do something to fix it, and my arm in a cast - really surprising, overall - is
making everything more difficult, including blogging

So my decisions for this year are informed by last year but also by my attempt at long term planning. To be clear, I am not good at this.  I don't know if its an aspie thing or just a me-thing, but I can't visualise further than about 6 months in the future, which means I am generally good at short-term and annual planning, but not long term. Whatever the basis for it, I need to work at making long term plans rather than undertaking actions which will have long-term consequences.

As a result, here is my list of thinks I need to do this year, and feel I have or can gather the motivation to

• try to buy a house: long-term plan
• go on holiday: annual plan, but secondary to house buying, if something has to give way
• lose weight: a classic, but i think my health is suffering. I look and feel terrible and need to change that
• get more involved in the AS community online
• volunteer in real life, perhaps undertaking fundraising
• find a social activity to get involved with.

For me, this is a tall order, but i have 350-odd days to manage to make progress on each of these.

overall, i am feeling optimistic about 2014: financially I am in a better position, I feel more comfortable in my marriage and we are looking to buy a house for the first time. Knowing i have AS has really freed up my mind to stop worrying about those things which are "wrong" with me and accept them. no longer am I the self-hating geek I have been forever but a guy who finally knows why he is different, and that its no bad thing. I hope everyone else can view 2014 with a similar level of optimism.

The endless fortnight!

Last week I attended my final session with the psychologist team responsible for my diagnosis. They were very nice, very supportive and made me feel at ease. For the first time I can remember I went into a situation knowing that I didn't have to wear my mask, didn't have to watch what I said or how I said it. If anything, being careful of what I said and how I said it would potentially hamper the process.

At the end of the session they said that they couldn't tell me anything until they had made their diagnosis, but the lead professional did say that given the evidence, the diagnosis of Asperger's was a very real possibility. But it might take up to to 3 weeks for them to make their diagnosis, at which point they woudl get back to me for one final session where we could discuss the outcome.

That was a week ago.

I'm not sure how patiently I can wait over the course of the next few weeks. to me, the question of aspergers was resolved long ago. i mean, i wouldn;t call myself anonymous aspie if I didn't think I was aspie, but there is always danger in self-diagnosis that there is a professional that will come along and argue with you.  My problem is that, no matter how sure I am that I am aspie, until I have a confirmed diagnosis from a medical professional I will not be happy.  Basically, its not good enough that I know the answer, I need someone to acknowledge that I am correct (which is, sadly, part of my Aspie brain - "VALIDATE MY ANSWER! CONFIRM MY CORRECTNESS!")

I know its not long but it is becoming the longest wait fo my life, longer than waiting for my kids to be born - no, wait, they were both premature. That's not a good example - longer than waiting for the next series of Game of Thrones!

2 Weeks. I should know by October. That's not too bad, right?

Right?

Topsy turvy world

What a few weeks its been!

I had a meltdown at work. A full-on, screaming,  body-shaking uncontrollable rage meltdown which resulted in me going fully overboard, quitting my job and storming out.  There's more to the story, and it involves me putting a formal complaint in against the head of the department and working out my notice once in was assured that I wouldn't have to work with her.

But it was awful. I have never felt so out of control, so helpless and so frustrated and so ANGRY! I swear that woman deliberately goaded me into the meltdown, just so she could fire me due to my reaction.

Anyway, I left.

So, jobless, panicking, wife starting college, daughters just started school after summer holidays. For someone like me who thrives on routine this was as traumatic as it could have been.

So I work out my notice and on the last day, last Friday, I still did not have a job to go to. Terrified for what the future was going to bring for me and my family I left the workplace almost in tears. I was happy I wouldn't be going back there to work with that bullying, discriminating bitch, but just so worried.

And on Monday I had an interview, which by Tuesday had become a job offer and by next Monday will be back to full time gainful employment.

Awesome!

It just goes to show that sometimes throwing yourself into the abyss of uncertainty can have positive consequences. I have taken myself so far out of my comfort zone by doing this, but I think in the long run it will have positive benefits, not only taking away the stress of working in that place for that woman but just for the experience of having taken a leap of faith and have it work out.

The Process

On 21st of August, in a small, secluded little collection of buildings, I began my assessment process.

It has taken a year or so to get to this point, and the outcome is not guaranteed, but I have no words to describe the immense sense of relief to be talking to experts, discussing Aspergers as a condition, to be undergoing diagnostic process, to be able to just let go and tell someone who might understand just how hard it all is on a daily basis; how hard it is to care, how hard it is to make sure I am giving appropriate responses, how hard it is to keep control of my tongue and make sure that I'm not inadvertently offending the world.

I have seen them 3 times and they have decided they have all the information they need to consider what, if any, diagnosis there will be.  While they couldn't say for sure, they did say that there is a very good chance that Aspergers would be the diagnosis.

And I got an odd rush of emotion; sadness, anger, anxiety and relief. I had to take a few minutes to sit in the car on my own quietly just to let it all sink in.  Finally, maybe, I have a framework to help me understand myself. But isn't it funny that I need someone else's permission before I can fully grasp it?

Is there a socially acceptable way to say "your tits look bigger!" and other stangeness

I've fallen into bad habits.

That is to say, I've fallen into my old habits, and am acting like nothing is different (again!). I have to admit its very difficult to reconcile the ASD side of myself with my self-image.  I find it hard to acknowledge that there is something different about me (there definitely isn't anything wrong with me!) when what I am is all I know.

But there are days, like today, when my strangeness is right out there in the open and I just can't escape it.  And when i do, I come running back to blogging like an old friend who will not judge me. Maybe this'll teach me to do it more often again. Who knows? (rhetorical)

Today alone I have had 2 incidents within the space of a few minutes which unbalanced me.  Firstly was when I overheard a conversation about one of the people in work needing to borrow a laptop - a scarce resource at the moment - and being told that we couldn't help. She then realised someone else who she would be working with may have one, and expressed this by saying "Steve might have his laptop, mightn't he?"

My face flushed and my stomach grew taut. I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate and had to keep my head down until they left the room. I immediately scuttled over to another colleague and asked "what do you think of the word "mightn't"?". She pondered this for a moment and said "well, its a colloquial use term, but not one I would use myself."

I frowned "so my instinct to throttle her for it is an overreaction?"

"definitely".

 That was an hour ago, and I still don't think it is! MIGHTN'T?!?!?!?!?! There aren't enough swear words in the world to express my distaste.

Shortly after that, I walked past another colleague who is lucky enough to be pregnant again, and I noticed that as well as her swelling belly, her chest is growing. She is fairly flat-chested normally, so its noticeable.

 I wanted to try to find a polite way to mention this, which appears to be an impossibility

 wow, you're really starting to swell now.  Have you had to buy new bras yet?  no, that makes me sound like I am interested in her underwear.

Are your nipples all sensitive? hmm... a definite no.

how many sizes have your boobs incre...just stop.

I found myself stuck in an obsessive loop: I can't not say anything, but there is nothing I can say, and I started getting frantic and panicky, and had to go and talk to the new girl (who is middle aged and sensible) with whom i have developed a decent working  relationship, just to say to her "Can you tell me if there is a polite way of telling a woman "your tits look bigger". I muddled this sentence out all in one, so it was more like

"Imsorryi'mnottryingtobeoffensivebutcanyoutellmeifthereisapolitewayoftellingawoman
"yourtitslookbigger"becauseihavetosayitandmybrainismelting!!!"

she took it in her stride, laughed with me about my dilemma and gave me a few tips on talking about how well my pregnant colleague is blossoming/ blooming/ looking flush with health. All of which will apparently be interpreted as "i can see your bosom expanding."

So I did.

And I am left feeling disappointed as I don't feel I said what i wanted to say, but at the same time the compulsion has left me and I can move on.  I'm glad its over, but it has jst served to remind me that all it takes is 2 minor incidents in quick succession and I am close to my limit.  I need to find a way to cope better.

The New home: reposted

So I thought owning my Aspieness might be a good way to go.

Hence, new website at anonymousaspie.com

At the moment its a work in progress, but I intend it to be the equivalent of the chocolate after a Dementor attack: it doesn't fix anything but it does make you feel better

Another week passed.

This is a real learning experience for me. I don't think I have ever spent so much time examining my own conduct, thoughts and behaviour, or considering what the impact of my actions are on those around me.  I don't mean that to sound selfish, but I have just never put a lot of thought into the consequences of my actions.

What is clear to me is that be spending this time in self-reflection i am becoming much more aware of how I operate, why I get stressed and finding my own ways of reducing that stress (this blog being one of them).

I told my wife today of one of my odd little habits at work, and it was the first time I have seen a certain look on her face (which I am interpreting as "OK, that is weird"). I told her about my compulsion first thing in the morning to wipe off any data on the whiteboard relating to staff who were sick/ on holiday as soon as the information was out of date, and that I can only do it with the index finger of my right hand.  It sounded odd to me as I said it, but it also happens to be true.  I can stop myself, but I don't see why I should.

I've also started looking back at younger days with a more critical eye. There were always things I did in my life that happened when I felt like I was detached from the incident. It was almost like I was riding co-pilot with myself, in control but somehow separate, with complete emotional detachment. In this state I could (and did) do some really stupid things, the worst one being when I deliberately crashed the car just to see what would happen.

Is that part of being Aspie, or part of ASD generally? The ability to just do something to see what will happen, something that you intellectually know to be a very poor idea but that you feel the need to test for yourself.  I was very lucky I didn't hurt myself or anyone else that day, but I certainly wasn't considering the consequence of my actions.

I just wanted the experience.

Update: After posting the question on Twitter I have had someone come back to me and tell me that they also have the compulsion to crash the car just to see what happened, but that they can't afford to (in more ways than financial). I am so glad that its not just me!  These odd little compulsions of curiosity occur to me all the time (e.g. I wonder what would happen if I suddenly kissed that girl?) and they do take more than just casual dismissal, I genuinely have to reason it out to myself why I shouldn't do it, where I think for NTs the thought is just dismissed, or possibly contemplated without any genuine intention of carrying it out.

Full Achievement Granted

So I managed to go to the RP group last night.

It did take some effort

a: to go to the place (where i was, of course, the first one there)
b: to wait around for other people
c: to go into the building
d: to stay

but i did it all.  it was very awkward at first because of course people don't just swarm around you and fully socialise, so it took me some time to really integrate but by the end of the night i was fully involved in a game and talking well to a couple of the members

the only thing that I'm not happy about was that i couldn't seem to help myself in my nervousness telling the guy who runs it, and whoever else was listening at the time, that i have real social issues, have difficulty attending something new, may not come back next week. we'll see.  i mean, its all true but there's just no need to divulge it, particularly to strangers.

i am happy about the fact that there was a girl there who made a comment that really annoyed me (beyond her habit of shouting "ROLL A 1" every time i rolled the dice) and while i wanted to argue with her i made myself stop as i didn't want to be the new guy who causes trouble.  i even managed not to give her the cold shoulder for more than about 5 mins. Score!

so, all in all a successful night. i enjoyed the game (Dystopian Wars, which has some really excellent steampunk navies) and by the end of the evening i was back to being my old rambunctious gaming self.

its nice to be back amongst my own kind :)