Opening up: Asperger's & the new job

Its Day 4 of the new job, and while I am still waiting for that diagnosis (see previous blog) I have already made sure that both my line manager and the person I will be working most closely with, one of the office deputies, are aware of my situation.

On day 2 they decided to have a 10 minute chat with me about how it affected me, whether there was anything they could do to help and how it would manifest if there were issues.

I was really happy that it felt like someone was taking an interest without taking a negatively slanted view. Indeed, my line manager said that after she thought about what it meant, we could do with a few more with a touch of Asperger's in this line of work. It felt good :)

So, onto the job itself.  Mainly I am chaecking the structure of a data system and adding information to it under a strict set of guidelines with some complex user-tools.

Which means it suits me down to the ground.

I decided it would be nice to create a quick list of Pros and Cons comparing this job to the last one, and the results were as follows

Cons

• It pays less

Pros

• I don't have to deal with the horrific bitch who ran the last place
• My commute from door to desk is 8 minutes
• I am working in the same location that my wife is undertaking her teacher training and work placement
• My level of responsibility is significantly lower
• I am not responsible for other people
• It is less stressful
• Communication is much more open and honest, so there is very little politicking going on
• There doesn't appear to be any "us" and "them" within the department
• I can park 2 minutes walk from my desk
• There are gym facilities on site that I can use
• There is a library where staff can hire out DVD's. for free :)
• The atmosphere is much more laid back
• I get 4 days more holiday than I got at the old place, and thats at the starting allowance!
• There don't appear to be any periods that I can't book holiday during

OK, I'm only 4 days in and it already looks pretty good!

The other thing that is making me happy today is this: I have discovered that my former workplace have made my position redundant. Why does this make me happy? Because it reinforces my claim that they were trying to force me out, and it would mean that a case for constructive dismissal is more likely to succeed.  Added to that is the fact that they had a round of voluntary redundances a few months ago. I inquired informally about VR and was told that my position was too important to be made redundant, and so i was not eligible.

So, my former boss lied to me, denying me a redundancy payout, then bullied me out of the job and made my role redundant. 

I think i might just be talking to my union rep and possibly my solicitor very shortly.

The Process

On 21st of August, in a small, secluded little collection of buildings, I began my assessment process.

It has taken a year or so to get to this point, and the outcome is not guaranteed, but I have no words to describe the immense sense of relief to be talking to experts, discussing Aspergers as a condition, to be undergoing diagnostic process, to be able to just let go and tell someone who might understand just how hard it all is on a daily basis; how hard it is to care, how hard it is to make sure I am giving appropriate responses, how hard it is to keep control of my tongue and make sure that I'm not inadvertently offending the world.

I have seen them 3 times and they have decided they have all the information they need to consider what, if any, diagnosis there will be.  While they couldn't say for sure, they did say that there is a very good chance that Aspergers would be the diagnosis.

And I got an odd rush of emotion; sadness, anger, anxiety and relief. I had to take a few minutes to sit in the car on my own quietly just to let it all sink in.  Finally, maybe, I have a framework to help me understand myself. But isn't it funny that I need someone else's permission before I can fully grasp it?

Joining the community

In the last few days I have dipped my toe in the water of the Aspie and wider ASD community online, and I have to say that being able to see the struggles of others and reading about the support they receive has been  very comforting for me.
 After creating myself a twitter account and making a couple of posts under the #Aspie hash-tag I suddenly found myself receiving mentions and direct messages from people who wanted to talk to me and invite me to interact with the community at large.  To feel so welcome so quickly into a society where my experience has always been one of social awkwardness, long pauses, anxiety and not knowing what to say was a blessed relief.
 And its been very constructive: finding a good description of what it is to be aspie, joining a group to discuss ASD and Aspie issues or simply having people respond to you or forward your tweets
Finally after having spent so long feeling I have to work as hard as anyone else and never get the level of social acceptance that they do, I'm finding that there are other people out there who are having very similar experiences, and suddenly I don't feel quite so isolated.

Coming out to family

Other than my mother with whom I share all significant information in my life I had not until today decided to share my ASD nature with anyone on my side of the family (have shared with the wife's side as they live close and we see them a lot. it would have been hard not to).

Today i decided i needed to share this with my younger brother.  He is the one i have always felt closest to even though age-wise there is a larger gap between us than between any of my other siblings. My sister lives overseas and as far as personal discussions go might as well be on another planet, and my elder brother and I... its not that we don't get on, per se, i just don't really want to spend any time with him, though i do love his wife and their kids.

Anyway, I chatted to brother #2 on fb today and told him about my referral (and i even remembered to ask about his fiancee beforehand!), and the fisrt thing he did was ask me how i feel about it and whether it helped me explain things.  I am always amazed by his reaction to things. In my head he's still about 11 even though he turns 30 next year. He was the one who rescued me when i had my first collapsed into depression and the one who i moved in with when i was strong enough to get back outin the world. I suppose i hadnt really thought until now on how much i rely on him.  Well i told him about how it explained so much and the feeling of relief, and all he did was remind me that it doesn't change the fact that i am me, and if anything it will help me straighten out my life and relationships.  I already know all of this but its good to have a brother who thinks the same.

Coming out to friends

I tried yesterday to put a post on facebook about my condition, undiagnosed as it is, but i couldn't find the right words, and i found myself worrying that the reaction of people would be negative, disparaging or aggressive. 

i know that the theory is that people with ASD don't really care about anyone but themselves but this is in my experience a skewed view. I care about what other people think and say as far as it affects my view of myself, so in most cases that means not at all, but at this moment in time its quite a substantial amount.

so, i didn't do it, and i don't know if i will be able to do it in the near future, but the wife did suggest that i start joining aspie groups on FB, and take a subtle approach to telling people. As she said, most people won't care.  But its not really about them caring. i really just want people to understand that I'm programmed to be a bit weird.

Lets face it. i just want acceptance and in some ways a strange sort of absolution for things i did in the past where i know i upset or annoyed people by my actions which were inappropriate but where i couldn't see or understand that.

Telling the company

My relief at having a framework with which to engage with myself is matched only by my growing dread at what to tell people/ how to deal with it. I know its my issue to deal with and that I shouldn't expect anyone to change for me, but I do want people to know that my sometimes odd, unfriendly or distant way of communicating is not odd, unfriendly or distant by design

Well that's not always true. Distance holds my anxiety at bay and there are some people I simply don't like and don't want to be friendly with. But its mainly true.

Today's task of the day was letting my HR department know (previously i only told my line manager and her deputy), which i have done in in response i have received nothing: no word, no acknowledgement of the email. nothing.  i am really starting to worry that people think i am crazy or hypochondriacal (not sure that's a word. well, it is now and I'm claiming it). I mean, I'm not exactly rain man. I'm not even Sheldon Cooper (who is not Aspie, the creators of the Big Bang Theory are eager to let us know). this is the problem with the public perception of AS being characters from TV and movies who are always over the top, as the normal life of anyone is not interesting enough to put on TV. even "reality TV" has to have some sort of gimmick. lets face it, no-one would pay to watch people go about their normal business.