Weathering the storm of unexpected change.

 I am furious!

Today, I was due to have surgery on my hand, a surgery which I had been preparing for since mid September, and been working through the details of since mid November.  Today, I got up at 5 a.m., as did wife and kids (well, actually, sometime between 5 and 6) to be at the hospital for 7. I had prepared myself mentally: go in early, get seen early, see consultant, see anaesthetist, go to theatre, general anaesthetic, surgery, wake up, go home. And to start with, it went according to plan.

Until the anaesthetist turned up, and decided he would rather do a local anaesthetic than a general, and spent time trying to pressure me into that. After 10 minutes of cajoling, I told him I had spent weeks preparing for general and I don't handle last minute changes of plan well. He could see I was getting upset, and agreed to do a general if that was feasible.

That shook me up some, and I started reading my book to try to calm down.  Just after 9, wife arrived, almost simultaneously with the returning anaesthetist, who tried to tell me as politely as possible that he was sorry but my surgery couldn't go ahead today, but the good news was that they had already booked another appointment for me in a different hospital.

So, to anyone reading this who knows about Asperger's  and has been following my blog, how well do you think I took that?  change of date, change of venue, sudden call off after an attempted change of plan on the day?

Safe to say the simplest description would be "not well".

I sat in silent shock, I cried, I stormed off, I came back and shouted, I stomped out of the building before coming back to try to find out when they had booked me for, and it turns out that they think the best time to operate is the day before my birthday (a day which has always been disastrous to me).

I was so angry! There's no way they can understand the amount of mental preparation I have put into this, not to mention discussions and agreements I have had at work - a job I only started the week before I found out I needed surgery - to ensure that they understood the need for this, and let me have the time off that I required.

And if the fact the surgery was cancelled wasn't bad enough, the reason for it was, put simply, that I'm too fat.

Seriously. I'm too fat to have surgery on my wrist and thumb.  Funny how that didn't come up in the hand clinic originally, or in the phone consultation when I gave them my details including my weight and height. No, I'm too fat today for the facilities at this particular hospital, and I'll need to have surgery at a different one.

So, to recap: the surgery was cancelled, on the day, at the last minute, when I was already in my surgical gown, wearing tags and with lines drawn all over my arm to indicate where incisions would be made.  The anaesthetist said I was too fat to have surgery and rebooked me to another hospital, closer to Christmas which has, by the way, already interfered with my Christmas plans.

Like I say - furious! It has taken me a good 3 hours to calm down to the point where I don't want to scream about this! This is exactly why we need services like ASQ to be able to collectively list experiences like this so service providers have something they can refer to and see examples of good/poor service and how it affects the ASD community.

So, now I have to prepare myself for surgery again, in 11 days, in a different hospital, at a different time, as well as come to terms with my weight - and let's face it, being told you are too fat for surgery, apparently because I would likely breather equipment, is something of a wake-up call!

Of course I can do it, but the level of stress this has given me today is just unreal. So much, in fact, o have decided to still have the day off work as I don't think I would have achieved anything in this frame of mind.

God bless the NHS.

Blurred Lines = Rape Anthem

I know I'm not the first person to catch on to this, but how is it that Blurred Lines - a song which is essentially about a man wanting to have sex with women who he assumes want him - is such a popular track?

It might as well be the anthem of the rapist. In years to come I suspect it will be.

In fact, here's a link to an article where the lyrics are compared directly to the very powerful images from Project Unbreakable (a site where sexual assault victims write & hold up words their abusers used during their rape).

From the Mouths of Rapists: The Lyrics of Robin Thicke’s ‘Blurred Lines’

What gets me about this is the unbelievable level of ignorance from the world in general.

Let's start with the writers. Do they really believe this abusive dross they are writing?  Does they really think it is appropriate to effectively boast that they like to have sex with women who seem unwilling but  actually want sex?

Then on to the producers. I know that in our corporate capitalist world there are no morals where making a profit is concerned, but pushing this onto radio & TV stations across the world when it is clearly pretty appalling content is despicable.

Thirdly, the radio stations themselves.  My workplace has a radio on quietly in the background, and in 1 day I heard the song play 4 times on one of our local stations, so I am quite sure it is being played at least as much on the national stations and broadcasting its horrific, not-even-morally-ambiguous message at anyone within hearing range of a radio, including an awful lot of impressionable youngster.

But the thing that annoys me the most - the people make me the angriest about this song's success - are the people who have bought it, who sing it without thinking about it, who bop away to it quite happily as they don't actually listen to what its about.  It is a case of brutal levels of ignorance giving appalling messages a platform.

I actually brought this up in my office full of women the other day, and of the 4 I managed to involve in conversation, 3 of them really liked it and none of them had any clue about the lyrics.  When I pointed out the lyrics and what it seems to be about, they were all horrified and asking how it gets on the radio. Because of people like you!!!

It makes me sad and angry that as a society we seem to actually encourage this behaviour and language, and yet when as a country we stood up to say NO to Simon Cowell and the X-Factor culture and made Killing in the Name Christmas No 1, many radio stations refused to play it as it had swearing in it.

So, that's  a public protest against domination of the music industry by Cowell land his cronies banned for swearing, but a sexually aggressive song passively promoting rape OK'ed by by society in general and played everywhere.

And I do mean everywhere. At this moment in time, its pretty much the biggest song in the world. It has been no 1 in over 40 countries and has been at no 1 in USA longer than any other song this year.

Isn't that sad?  Really, really sad?

I don't know if there's anything I can do about it other than help spread awareness, but I'm really pleased that not everyone in the world is just passively accepting this sexist bullshit. (see the link below)

Universities ban Blurred Lines on campuses around UK

My self-destruction: an analysis

I am aware I have been driving myself down a self-destructive path.

I am aware i am overeating and putting on weight and not only am I not addressing it, i am getting more gluttonous

I am aware that I keep not taking my medication, and every time I think about it, and look at it, I decide against it.

I am aware that I am suffering from depression, but I am no longer addressing it

I am aware that I am a slave to my rage, and I can't control it.

I am aware that I am close to the edge of physically lashing out, and I am not restraining it.

I am not really aware of why.

This weekend has been horrific. Twice I have had a complete screaming, lashing out meltdown in a fashion that I have not had since my late teenage years, and on both occassions the catalyst has been something very minor.

But the meltdowns have been linked: both of them have been due to DD1 giving no ground and not compromising, just as I would have done at her age. Suddenly I see how hard it was for my parents to cope with me growing up; how hard it must have been to have someone so absolutist who had no fear, no sense of compromise, and no matter what will only do what they want to do.

And I have 2 of them.

But my reaction to the minor things was far more than was necessary: slamming doors, screaming, hurling furniture and overturning bins.

If i'm honest, I'm surprised wife hasn't left me.

And maybe thats what I want.  Maybe its just time for me to admit that I am not flexible enough, and not able to cope with living in a house with 2 kids with ASD while trying to cope with my own limitations. Maybe I need to be honest enough to say that what I want is absolution from responsibility, but to achieve it i need to become the wretch no-one wants to live with.

I know it seems incredibly selfish -  No, not seems: IS incredibly selfish - but I just need time and space away from my kids to get some sense of sanity which I am sadly lacking at the moment.

I have been through the wringer with all of this though. Rage, hate, shame, self-pity, self-loathing, guilt, anger and, once again, those suicidal thought.  I stood in the bathroom on saturday after my meltdown, preparing to shave with my cut-throat razor, and i found myself simply standing, naked blade open, feeling its weight in my hand, looking myself in the eye, and feeling that urge that I get to do something I know I should not.  I actully had to picture what using it on my own neck would be like and the horrific aftermath for my family, including the permanent mental scarring of my children before I could move on, and simply shave.

And now, looking back at it, I'm scaring myself. Seriously scaring myse;f  I may well have scared myself out of this fugue.
 God I hope so.

So, where am I now and what would come next?

well, for a start i'm going to make sure i take my pills. they may not make me happy but they certainly don't make me feel this bad.
I am going to try to find rage counselling
I am going to try to find some physical activity to give me a physical release
I am going to try to find a hobby that takes me out of the house and gives me a change just to be me on my own terms, possibly with other people.
Most importantly i am going to be inclredibly thankful for the wonderful, supportive wife I have. Yes, we have had ups and downs, but I don't know if anyone else would have tried to strap-in with me and help me, particularly after my completely aggressive flip out. I am sure she was scared of me in that moment, but she was more concerned than scared and helped me find the way out.

I truly do need to appreciate her more.

I wish I had spent more time at the office

I was really looking forward to Easter Weekend.  I get the Friday & Monday off (thank you Bank Holidays), and there was some very promising television, namely Doctor Who, Game of Thrones, Revolution and Life's too Short.  I genuinely thought I would have a great time.

Simultaneously, however, I decided to see what would happen if I stopped taking my medication.  We're not talking anything really serious, just antidepressants (Citalopram, 40 mg daily).

And for the first 2 drug-free days I felt fantastic. This was Wednesday and Thursday, and I was absolutely pinging off walls, upbeat and lively and having great fun in work. It was the first time in a long time that I felt connected with people in the work environment and really talking to them. I even listened to them and paid attention.  I started to wonder if the drugs were actually doing more harm than good, so come the weekend I was confident I was going to have a great time with my kids and my wife!

Ok, the short version is that this didn't happen. What did happen was tetchiness, car sickness, unnecessary screaming, incorrect plating up of meals, incorrect plates, dislike of previously favoured foodstuffs, short tempers, thrown toys, short notice visiting/ visitors, silently counting to ten, weeing in chairs, defiance, gardening in a bloody cold wind and demand for trips out.

All in all, I would rather have been at work, which is a sad indictment of my ability to spend time with my family.  I have been high and happy at work followed by depressed and angry at home, and I don't like it.

As you might expect I have started taking my pills again, but what I really need now is a day completely to myself with no interference.  I can feel my head pounding and the thoughts trying to get out. I can feel the frustration under my fingertips vibrating with pent-up anger as i watch myself back over this "holiday" weekend, and see how little it felt like a holiday to me.#

I really just want 1 day of peace but don't know how I can achieve it, so in the short term I'll look forward to a blessed day of relief by going in to the most stressful office I've ever known.

Compared to this weekend it'll be a Zen garden.

Leaving the toilet seat up: a pariah's rebuttal

As a lifelong member of the gender apparently responsible for the alignment of the toilet seat, I feel I must speak out after years of silence.  I have been oppressed to long and cannot in good conscience allow this pattern of sexist discrimination to continue.

The toilet seat.

Its been a bone of gender contention for many years and it always seems to have fallen upon us as men to take responsibility for its position.  Why? because we are the only ones who need it to be in an "up" position, whereas - women would argue - everyone needs it to be down from time to time, so the logical thing would be for it to be left in a "down" position, and for men to lift it when they need it.

Well, I have had enough of this ridiculous shenanigan! We all have hands, we can all move the damn thing, and I think that men, actually, get the raw deal on this one.

Lets just examine the physics of taking a piss.  Assuming accuracy of aim, men when standing will generally piss towards the back of the bowl, although a satisfying circular motion can occasionally be enjoyed.  the point is that the urine - if not expelled directly into the water -  hits the back of the bowl and drops, or hits the front of the bowl from an elevated angle and flows down into the water, thus removing it.  Where in this does there come an issue where men spread germs all over the loo seat? really?

 Women, however, have to wee from a squatting position, in such a way that the urine doesn't necessarily  drop down but can spray forward at a shallow angle, coating the underside of the toilet seat and as women don't have to move the toilet seat - oh heaven forbid - it means that the person that discovers this waiting piss-gift is the next MAN who has to lift it to use the facilities.

And its gross! The amount of times that I have lifted a toilet seat only to get damp fingers from the woman who has last used it, as she could neither micturate in a downwards direction or lift the lid in order to see the damage her errant urine had caused.

So, for the sake of men everywhere and because it makes sense, i am asking any woman who reads this to have some consideration and please lift the seat  for the sake of the poor man who doesn't want his fingers coated in your leavings.