A2's guide to a low stress christmas for ASD families

I love Christmas. Always have. Even through my awkward teenage years when visitors were welcome but I would sit silently in a room with them.

As I have got older, it has become even more exciting for me, and with the addition of 2 kiddies to the household, I don't think it could be bigger.

Which also means its stressful!

Having a diagnosis myself as well as 2 kids on the spectrum means that to have the opportunity to enjoy christmas, we need to follow a few rules, and I think that these might be pretty useful to other people in a similar situation.

So, here goes.

1 - PLAN! Spontaneity is nice in its place, but at Christmas, ASD children will be getting wound up in a way its hard to calm them down from. The entire world is throwing Christmas excitement at them. So, have a calendar, or a wall-planner, or a visual timetable they can see, and talk them through what is happening each day so they know what to expect.  At the moment mine says

Dec 18 - School all day
Dec 19 - School half day then playing at home
Dec 20 - Take Daddy to hospital/ playing at home
Dec 21 - Daddy's Birthday
Dec 22 - Playing at home
Dec 23 - Granny and Pappi coming
Dec 24 - Christmas Eve, Uncle AJ coming to stay
Dec 25 - Christmas Day: Uncle AJ, Granny and Pappi visiting

etc..We also always make sure we have a laminated sheet like a social story which has details of what is going on at each point through the day. this gives them much-needed structure and routine.

2 – Minimise unexpected visitors. I know this one seems a little odd. How can you minimise the unexpected?  Well, consider who the most likely people are to come visiting, and get in contact with them pre-emptively. Suggest a day/ time they might like to come round, and agree a date time with them, and stress to them no unannounced visits! I always try to organise a single day, maybe two, over the holidays to have all of our visitors as I find that one day with multiple visitors is easier for our girls (and us!) to handle than a few visitors over multiple days.  This year, we have invited people round for a Boxing Day leftover party, so by the end of the day on the 26^th, we will have seen all family who are likely to want to come round.

3 – Have enough for everyone! Its bad enough when NT kids fight over things. Just imagine what its like for ASD kids with their very egocentric world-view and inability to grasp the world view of others. Wherever possible, try to make sure that there is at least 1 of everything available to avoid the inevitable screaming meltdowns when “sharing” is suggested.

4 – keep sensory stimulation to a minimum. Flashing lights, crackers, balloons, music, cooking smells, alcohol: Christmas can be overwhelming for the most well-balanced person. To someone with sensory issues, which come hand in hand with ASD, it really can be too much.  Try to tone this down where you can: static Christmas lights rather than flashing, or ones with a slow pulse, no decorations which play tunes or move.  My girls really don’t like loud noises, so crackers are a no-go (or at best, they have to wear their ear defenders when they pull them) and the fear of balloons popping causes hysteria, so they are right out. Involving the kids with some aspect of helping with the cooking can mitigate the dislike of the odours. Alcohol, I’d recommend holding until the evening when they are not around so that the very strong smell of alcohol (and over-the-top antics of the well-fuelled) don’t upset them.

5 – on Christmas day, give them the opportunity to be excited and open presents, but don’t give them everything at once – it can lead to sensory overload. Try to ensure they only open 1 or 2 gifts at a time and then enjoy those items before moving on to something else. But remember its still important to keep up the...

6 – ROUTINE! As much as possible, get dressed at the same time, eat breakfast at the same time, if you are toilet training, have your potty breaks at the same time.  Nothing makes ASD children more anxious than unpredictability.

7 – Distractions. A good rule of thumb is always have something to hand to distract them with should it look like they are finding it too much

Christmas should be exciting and fun, but there’s no reason it has to be too much for ASD children (and dads like me!) to enjoy with everyone else with a little bit of planning and forethought.

For anyone else reading this who is part of an extended ASD family, please take note of how much work we have to put into keeping calm on Christmas. This is why we don't come to your house, its why we ask you don't arrive unexpectedly, its why, no matter how well-meaning your offer of help is, we've got this covered.  If you really want to help, come when you say you will, bring what you say you will, leave when you say you will and support our decisions and routine.  This will help us keep meltdowns at bad, and ensure that we all have the best Christmas we can.

Family frustrations

Days like today, I really hate.

Wife has been up early, since before 6, with DD2. And as a result she is already feeling tired. Which is fine and understandable. 

But she is also doing a lot of huffing and harrumphing and so far today between then and now, when she is going for a shower, she has not got off the couch, leaving me to do all of the dressing of the kids, the breakfasts, the chasing around after them etc.

All of which would still be fine if it didn’t feel like she was also being grumpy and disapproving at me, like I’m doing something wrong. I really don’t think I am. I’ve been doing household chores and playing with the kids and I just feel like I am being constantly disapproved of.

Maybe its just paranoia, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is how it feels.

To be honest, all I want right now is a little peace and quiet in my room, just a few minutes reading to try to change my mind’s focus, but now she’s in the shower I can’t do that, so instead I am trying to get everything down in this blog post whilst trying to fulfil kiddy requests for snack, juice and cuddles.

I know wife is very tired at the moment ad she has taken on a college course and I don’t think she realised how much work teacher training was going to be. She has spread herself too thin, and at the moment it feels like I am the one losing out, and I am being seen as a distraction and a source of tension.

Edit: and in a strangely ironic twist, it turns out her issues are not about me at all. She was humiliated in class by a lecturer yesterday and is obsessing about that.

This, combined with the worry over my upcoming surgery on my “good” hand means that I am currently not in the best frame of mind, and I’m feeling a little abandoned and taken for granted.

I find it hard to speak to her about these things however as we don’t seem to be able to have discussions like this without the becoming fights about something else.  I am very poor at keeping rational when talking about my emotions, and I know she feels very frustrated about living in a house where 3 people have asd and her needs always come last.

Its frustrating, miserable and depressing, and I really don’t have a clue how to go about addressing it positively, so I have no doubt when she comes out of the shower I won’t talk about it, and will try to simply put up with her silent disapproval father than end up speaking out and “causing” a fight.

The scourge that is Helpful People

Whether its part of my nature, a product of my environment or just something to do with being aspie, I have trouble asking for help.

Mainly, I just don’t feel I need it. Whatever I am attempting to undertake, I am perfectly competent to achieve, or I wouldn’t have started it in the first place. Simple, pragmatic fact.

Except its not a fact.  In what I know is a very aspie way, my view of the world is very black and white. I have trained myself over many years to perceive the almost invisible shades of grey that NTs see in everything.  And I can now, when I try, perceive those shades of grey in most things, but almost never in myself or my own abilities.

After a very long day, I was having trouble using the computer at home; simply selecting the option on a drop-down menu in Word was proving a hell of a challenge but, because I know that I am competent at using Word, when wife started making suggestions and, worse, pointing at the screen and showing me where to click, I verbally lashed out at her. I finished what I was doing and went to the kitchen to put the kettle on to make tea – my classic move of “I’m leaving the room, leave me alone” – and have a bit of quiet time to calm down.

Which would have been great if wife hadn’t then came in and said that when she tried to help it would be nice to have some gratitude.

Cue fight.

Now I’m sure any aspies reading this will understand the problem. Its not about someone helping, its about someone effectively questioning your competency, and trying to “help” where help is not necessary – even when it is!

The fight was brief, and I did explain to wife my frustrations at my own performance and the perceived criticism, but that I did appreciate that she meant well, and so its all sorted out.

Until next time, when virtually the same thing will happen again and we’ll end up having the same fight.

So, I need a solution; how do I convince myself that someone’s offer of help is not about criticism of me or my ability but a genuine offer of assistance with no agenda, particularly when I am rattlin’ (a good colloquialism for on the edge)

For now, I am simply going to watch for these instances and make a note of how often they happen and what my response is, how often it becomes a fight.

I suppose sometimes letting someone must be better as it will keep the peace, and there are days where its better to keep the peace than make a point, right?

 

My self-destruction: an analysis

I am aware I have been driving myself down a self-destructive path.

I am aware i am overeating and putting on weight and not only am I not addressing it, i am getting more gluttonous

I am aware that I keep not taking my medication, and every time I think about it, and look at it, I decide against it.

I am aware that I am suffering from depression, but I am no longer addressing it

I am aware that I am a slave to my rage, and I can't control it.

I am aware that I am close to the edge of physically lashing out, and I am not restraining it.

I am not really aware of why.

This weekend has been horrific. Twice I have had a complete screaming, lashing out meltdown in a fashion that I have not had since my late teenage years, and on both occassions the catalyst has been something very minor.

But the meltdowns have been linked: both of them have been due to DD1 giving no ground and not compromising, just as I would have done at her age. Suddenly I see how hard it was for my parents to cope with me growing up; how hard it must have been to have someone so absolutist who had no fear, no sense of compromise, and no matter what will only do what they want to do.

And I have 2 of them.

But my reaction to the minor things was far more than was necessary: slamming doors, screaming, hurling furniture and overturning bins.

If i'm honest, I'm surprised wife hasn't left me.

And maybe thats what I want.  Maybe its just time for me to admit that I am not flexible enough, and not able to cope with living in a house with 2 kids with ASD while trying to cope with my own limitations. Maybe I need to be honest enough to say that what I want is absolution from responsibility, but to achieve it i need to become the wretch no-one wants to live with.

I know it seems incredibly selfish -  No, not seems: IS incredibly selfish - but I just need time and space away from my kids to get some sense of sanity which I am sadly lacking at the moment.

I have been through the wringer with all of this though. Rage, hate, shame, self-pity, self-loathing, guilt, anger and, once again, those suicidal thought.  I stood in the bathroom on saturday after my meltdown, preparing to shave with my cut-throat razor, and i found myself simply standing, naked blade open, feeling its weight in my hand, looking myself in the eye, and feeling that urge that I get to do something I know I should not.  I actully had to picture what using it on my own neck would be like and the horrific aftermath for my family, including the permanent mental scarring of my children before I could move on, and simply shave.

And now, looking back at it, I'm scaring myself. Seriously scaring myse;f  I may well have scared myself out of this fugue.
 God I hope so.

So, where am I now and what would come next?

well, for a start i'm going to make sure i take my pills. they may not make me happy but they certainly don't make me feel this bad.
I am going to try to find rage counselling
I am going to try to find some physical activity to give me a physical release
I am going to try to find a hobby that takes me out of the house and gives me a change just to be me on my own terms, possibly with other people.
Most importantly i am going to be inclredibly thankful for the wonderful, supportive wife I have. Yes, we have had ups and downs, but I don't know if anyone else would have tried to strap-in with me and help me, particularly after my completely aggressive flip out. I am sure she was scared of me in that moment, but she was more concerned than scared and helped me find the way out.

I truly do need to appreciate her more.

I wish I had spent more time at the office

I was really looking forward to Easter Weekend.  I get the Friday & Monday off (thank you Bank Holidays), and there was some very promising television, namely Doctor Who, Game of Thrones, Revolution and Life's too Short.  I genuinely thought I would have a great time.

Simultaneously, however, I decided to see what would happen if I stopped taking my medication.  We're not talking anything really serious, just antidepressants (Citalopram, 40 mg daily).

And for the first 2 drug-free days I felt fantastic. This was Wednesday and Thursday, and I was absolutely pinging off walls, upbeat and lively and having great fun in work. It was the first time in a long time that I felt connected with people in the work environment and really talking to them. I even listened to them and paid attention.  I started to wonder if the drugs were actually doing more harm than good, so come the weekend I was confident I was going to have a great time with my kids and my wife!

Ok, the short version is that this didn't happen. What did happen was tetchiness, car sickness, unnecessary screaming, incorrect plating up of meals, incorrect plates, dislike of previously favoured foodstuffs, short tempers, thrown toys, short notice visiting/ visitors, silently counting to ten, weeing in chairs, defiance, gardening in a bloody cold wind and demand for trips out.

All in all, I would rather have been at work, which is a sad indictment of my ability to spend time with my family.  I have been high and happy at work followed by depressed and angry at home, and I don't like it.

As you might expect I have started taking my pills again, but what I really need now is a day completely to myself with no interference.  I can feel my head pounding and the thoughts trying to get out. I can feel the frustration under my fingertips vibrating with pent-up anger as i watch myself back over this "holiday" weekend, and see how little it felt like a holiday to me.#

I really just want 1 day of peace but don't know how I can achieve it, so in the short term I'll look forward to a blessed day of relief by going in to the most stressful office I've ever known.

Compared to this weekend it'll be a Zen garden.