The scourge that is Helpful People

Whether its part of my nature, a product of my environment or just something to do with being aspie, I have trouble asking for help.

Mainly, I just don’t feel I need it. Whatever I am attempting to undertake, I am perfectly competent to achieve, or I wouldn’t have started it in the first place. Simple, pragmatic fact.

Except its not a fact.  In what I know is a very aspie way, my view of the world is very black and white. I have trained myself over many years to perceive the almost invisible shades of grey that NTs see in everything.  And I can now, when I try, perceive those shades of grey in most things, but almost never in myself or my own abilities.

After a very long day, I was having trouble using the computer at home; simply selecting the option on a drop-down menu in Word was proving a hell of a challenge but, because I know that I am competent at using Word, when wife started making suggestions and, worse, pointing at the screen and showing me where to click, I verbally lashed out at her. I finished what I was doing and went to the kitchen to put the kettle on to make tea – my classic move of “I’m leaving the room, leave me alone” – and have a bit of quiet time to calm down.

Which would have been great if wife hadn’t then came in and said that when she tried to help it would be nice to have some gratitude.

Cue fight.

Now I’m sure any aspies reading this will understand the problem. Its not about someone helping, its about someone effectively questioning your competency, and trying to “help” where help is not necessary – even when it is!

The fight was brief, and I did explain to wife my frustrations at my own performance and the perceived criticism, but that I did appreciate that she meant well, and so its all sorted out.

Until next time, when virtually the same thing will happen again and we’ll end up having the same fight.

So, I need a solution; how do I convince myself that someone’s offer of help is not about criticism of me or my ability but a genuine offer of assistance with no agenda, particularly when I am rattlin’ (a good colloquialism for on the edge)

For now, I am simply going to watch for these instances and make a note of how often they happen and what my response is, how often it becomes a fight.

I suppose sometimes letting someone must be better as it will keep the peace, and there are days where its better to keep the peace than make a point, right?

 

Diagnosis!

Finally!

After a year or more of waiting, I have been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome.

So. Aspie. Just as I had thought, hoped and feared.

And while it comes as a tremendous relief, it is also tinged with sadness as I know I can never be "normal". but then what is normal other than the average you get when you throw all elements of a sample together and find what is in the middle. No-one necessarily fulfils the criteria of normality perfectly, I am just farther from it than other people.

And in a lot of ways this is a good thing. I have a name for my little box, I can study it and I can become more self-aware. There are many other people who don't have this privilege; other people that don't have a ready-build support society both online and offline to assist in any adjustments and give advice.

I had always intended to "out" myself once I was diagnosed, no longer using the anonymousaspie handle and just using my own name (or at least my own picture), but over the last year I've become quite used to being A2, and to be honest I do still want some level of anonymity.  As some people have observed to me, much of my blog is very personal and brutally honest.  I know some of it would shock and upset my wife, and I don't really want to do that, so for the moment, so that I can continue writing with complete freedom, I'm going to stick to being anonymous.

What comes next?

Well, basically, nothing. Life goes on. I tell people who I feel need to know, I look into what support mechanisms exist and see if they would help me.  But in essence nothing changes other than I have the confidence of knowing who and what I am and where that puts me in relation to the rest of the world.

I can't actually imagine a more positive outcome than this.

Finding the balance: Social interaction vs: social isolation

this is approximately how I socialise

I like being in my own company.

I don't get lonely on my own very often.  I don't feel the need to be with other people. I don't enjoy being with most people and, frankly, if I can avoid a social engagement without offending people, I normally will.


I do understand, however, that this is not universal, and a lot of people would say this is not normal.

At the moment, Wife is trying to encourage me into more social activities. With all the changes that have happened to us in the last 12 months, she has decided to be more pro-active about her own social life rather than relying on me for one, and so now she has joined 2 different folk music groups, and her weekends are normally taken up with practice, ceilidhs, gigs and gatherings.  And she loves it. It makes her very happy.

So, understandably, she is trying to encourage me to find something that I am passionate about and locate a group to join. This isn't a new drive on her part, but it is more sustained than it has been previously.  I completely understand her perspective: that finding something you love to do is a blessing, that its fun, that it will help me develop friends and relationships, that she won't feel the pressure of being my entire social circle.

But here's the thing: while I'm not against the idea of having a social life per se, the more she tries to talk/ force me into doing it, the less likely I am to do it.

There is also the fact that the people with whom I am most likely to spend time are people not too dissimilar from me. Gamers, geeks, nerds and social outcasts, and if I'm perfectly honest, most people like that make me cringe, and while I might be happy to game with them, i really don't want to spend social time with someone likely to incorporate RP conversations into real life activities. I just can't deal with that.

What wife doesn't understand is that the biggest issue for me now is one of confidence.  Before I realised the extent of my difference from other people I was bulletproof in social situations: full of confidence uncaring about what other people thought of me and happy to do my own thing. It didn't occur to me that there could be anything wrong or inappropriate about what I said, what I did and how I approached people.   Now, however, things are different.  I am now very aware of my shortcomings in comparison to "normal" people, and i can't stop worrying about whether I am offending people, upsetting people or acting inappropriately.

Which means I am boring. I do nothing. I don't engage in conversation of my own accord, but wait for people to talk to me - which given that I am the silent stranger in the corner happens rarely.

I feel its a conundrum.  I don't want to socialise for the sake of it, but I can see that Wife thinks it will help both of us.  I don't mind doing it, but don't want to be forced into it. I can't be the brash, confident person I was before - turns out ignorance really is bliss.

I will work on it as i don't want to completely isolate myself, particularly with my recent marital issues, but I don't know what the solution is.

The pain of a "new" aspie

This is the email I sent to my wife yesterday, trying to explain my behaviour when she refused my help twice in the morning when she was trying to do a quick repair on a child's shoe.

"I'm sorry my frustration boiled over a little this morning.  You're right. You not taking an elastic band is nothing to get upset about. 
 
Its other things that are piling up, things that are concerning me more every day.
 
Since the Aspie question was raised, I feel that you have been looking at me in a different way, and I'm not really comfortable with it.  I always seem to be in your way, or interrupting you, or feel like I am interfering in something where you would rather I didn't.

I feel sad that trying to hug you elicits no reaction any more. I feel that when I kiss you, you seem relieved when the moment passes. Maybe all of this is my imagination, but it doesn't feel like it is.
 
I don't feel like you are viewing me as a partner any more. I feel like I am being seen as another child to be "dealt with", a burden to be borne and a problem to be handled.
 
And it frustrates me and makes me sad.
 
the elastic band thing was just another little thing on top of a pile of neuroses I have at the moment. It just felt like yet another way where I was just getting in the way, especially after my other suggestion had just been dismissed when i was trying to help you avoid having to stand holding a shoe for 5-10 mins.
 
And in the long run my worry is that we won't get past this, that "living with 3 disabled people" is going to be too much for you to handle. 

To my eyes it already is, and I wonder whether you're trying to figure out how to do it and  keep sane, or figure out if you could deal with the girls without me.
 
Honestly, I have days where I think you would be better off without me as I  would be 1 less person you feel you have to take care of, but then I don't know  how you would deal with the girls on your own.

I certainly wouldn't blame you if you said "too much".
 
I know that this has been hard for you, and will continue to be, but the thing that is hardest for me in all of this is not the stress of the summer, not the AS, not the reflection on my whole life, but its facing you every day and feeling I am less in your eyes."

The fear of anxiety overload

Today's going to be a bad one. I can already feel it.

Wife had car trouble yesterday that I thought I had fixed by charging the battery, but while the dash lights come on, it still won't start.

So my morning began with failure in the rain, and leaving a very stressed wife at home who had slept little because of her anxiety about the car.  all i can think of now is how little use I have been to her in this, how much stress she has in having to deal with three ASD people in the house and how much better she would be if I reduced that number to 2.

I just want to run away. And at this moment in time i think she'd let me.  And now I am in work all my worries about the job are smashing into me as well.

So I am sitting at my desk fighting back the frustration and tears, much like I was 6 weeks ago when I had my collapse that took me out of work for a month.  I'm not sure I can cope with today.

And I am thinking that the reason why I am so stressed now is that I can't cope with wife's stress. It wouldn't be the first time I have felt out of control when she get stressed, and i think its because I am so used to her being calm, measured and reasonable. Anything other than that is a change from the routine and affects me badly.

I think the idea that Aspies can't empathise is definitely a myth. Its just that, like so much else, we don't display that empathy in the same way as NTs. I absolutely empathise with wife, but instead of making sympathetic noises i take the stress on board and end up as anxious as she is.

I'm not sure that's helpful, but as I type it I am analysing and it is actually making me feel better. Maybe just sitting down and rationalising out why i feel the way i feel is exactly what i need.

I need to contemplate this further and come back