The scourge that is Helpful People

Whether its part of my nature, a product of my environment or just something to do with being aspie, I have trouble asking for help.

Mainly, I just don’t feel I need it. Whatever I am attempting to undertake, I am perfectly competent to achieve, or I wouldn’t have started it in the first place. Simple, pragmatic fact.

Except its not a fact.  In what I know is a very aspie way, my view of the world is very black and white. I have trained myself over many years to perceive the almost invisible shades of grey that NTs see in everything.  And I can now, when I try, perceive those shades of grey in most things, but almost never in myself or my own abilities.

After a very long day, I was having trouble using the computer at home; simply selecting the option on a drop-down menu in Word was proving a hell of a challenge but, because I know that I am competent at using Word, when wife started making suggestions and, worse, pointing at the screen and showing me where to click, I verbally lashed out at her. I finished what I was doing and went to the kitchen to put the kettle on to make tea – my classic move of “I’m leaving the room, leave me alone” – and have a bit of quiet time to calm down.

Which would have been great if wife hadn’t then came in and said that when she tried to help it would be nice to have some gratitude.

Cue fight.

Now I’m sure any aspies reading this will understand the problem. Its not about someone helping, its about someone effectively questioning your competency, and trying to “help” where help is not necessary – even when it is!

The fight was brief, and I did explain to wife my frustrations at my own performance and the perceived criticism, but that I did appreciate that she meant well, and so its all sorted out.

Until next time, when virtually the same thing will happen again and we’ll end up having the same fight.

So, I need a solution; how do I convince myself that someone’s offer of help is not about criticism of me or my ability but a genuine offer of assistance with no agenda, particularly when I am rattlin’ (a good colloquialism for on the edge)

For now, I am simply going to watch for these instances and make a note of how often they happen and what my response is, how often it becomes a fight.

I suppose sometimes letting someone must be better as it will keep the peace, and there are days where its better to keep the peace than make a point, right?

 

...and that's how i got banned from Tesco.

Its amazing how the little things you don't think about get you into trouble. Let me tell you a story.

Today I went shopping and took me eldest daughter with me. She is 5 and has autism

As I always do, just before we left I asked her to go to the toilet, just to make sure we were safe for the hour or so that we would be out.  I hadn't taken into account the amount of fruit juice she had been drinking in the morning. So it came as something of a surprise to me when she decided to tell me in a quiet voice, at the farthest away part of the store, on a busy Saturday at 2pm that she needed to go to the toilet.

Immediately I size up the situation. Not going to the toilet is, not an option. She can't really hold it and will melt down if wet. I start moving in the direction of the facilities. It's busy, so I am dodging in and out of trollies and people, causing a certain amount of havoc as I go against the flow.  Thinking on the move, I consider that I don't have a change of clothes, that she will not be able to cope with having wet pants and trousers, and so I determine I need to get there as quickly as possible and speed up. Credit to my girl, she sped up too, but not quite as fast as I would have liked.  By the time we reach the toilet I am practically running, dragging her with me.

I abandon the trolly outside the loos and aim straight for the disabled loos - Engaged. argh! Without a break in stride I hustle her into the men's toilet - 2 cubicles, both occupied. Dammit!

By this point she is dancing and whining, but all I can do is tell her she has to wait.  As I am looking for a solution my eyes alight on the urinals...

And I get an idea.

So, quickly whipping down her trousers and pants, I lift her up and hold her over the urinal. Genius me!

"right" I say "use the toilet".

And frankly, this is where I went wrong. For, you see, I hadn't asked her what she needed to do in the toilet. Imagine my horror when I feel her tense up and start to strain.  And sure enough what I assumed was going to be number 1 was number 2.

And with perfect timing a cleaner enters the toilet as I am trying to figure out how to clean her bum without access to a cubicle. He takes one look at the accusatory turd in the urinal. A quick radio message to security later and I am being asked to leave the premises and not come back.  

But I do not leave. I explain to them about autism and the likelihood of a screaming fit if they force me to leave now plus I already have a trolly full of food outside that they will have to put back on the shelves, so grudgingly the security person allows me to collect the final item on my list, pay for my goods and leave I peace but not before reminding me that he mows my face and if I return the police will be called.

Strangely I find this funny rather than annoying. I'm sure I can resolve it with a letter to the manager but what a way to spend your Saturday morning!

An inexplicable worry explained

Around my mid-teenage years I remember becoming aware that I could be help responsible for things, a concept that seemed to elude me until then.  It was only when someone pointed a pretty serious accusation at me that I realised that things that I did and said could have serious consequences for me in my life.  At that point I resolved always to be completely truthful. Until then I had used truth or lies as I felt necessary, although there is no doubting that I am an awful liar.

But from that point I have always had the nagging worry that at some point i was going to end up in prison, and i don't know if that is normal. I assume its not. After all, why would people just generally worry that they were going to end up behind bars?

I have never been able to fully grasp this worry. I am generally a straight-up, honest and law abiding individual. Even times when I have broken the law during my wild years are unlikely to have carried jail terms: petty theft, smoking weed, illegal streaming/ downloading. But still, in the back of my head: you're going to end up in prison.  It really didn't help when wife's dad ended up in prison recently. It is the first time that it has been so close to home, and I overreacted hugely (of course).

But I begin to see now that the worry about prison was my brain's way of telling me that there was something wrong, that I didn't quite fit, and that I had to be extra careful as my rules and the rules of the NT world in which I live can clash.  A perfect example of this is when I was driving the other day and someone did a really stupid overtaking manuever on a fast junction.  Because he was breaking the rules I effectively tried to run him off the road, then when we reached the traffic lights I pulled in front of him, blocking 2 lanes, and had a confrontation with him on a busy road.

I started that. I could have just let him go, with his bad driving, but I almost crashed into him (my fault) then blocked the road (my fault) then nearly started a fight (which would have been my fault). if the police had become involved I think i would have been in serious trouble.

Looking at myself through the AS mirror I can see how close it has come a few times in my life that I had never realised before, and I need to be very careful which what I say and do to avoid getting into trouble.  I can't believe its taken me this many years to realise it.

Still, hopefully now I can avoid that prison which has been unconsciously following me around for years.

Missing the obvious point

My biggest problem, I feel, is that I miss the obvious.  I can sometimes see a lot within a situation which other people miss - particularly if its a repetitive process - but I really do have a blind spot for the immediately obvious and the long-term consequence.

Today's example is this:  Wife and I were talking about the fact that school happens again in about 10 days, and she was saying she's not entirely looking forward to going back to seeing all the other parents and having to deal with them, and I jokingly suggested she find a job that pays the same as mine and we swap. She laughed a little, then said "if I thought you could handle it, I would give it some serious consideration".

I was a little taken aback.  "what do you mean?" I asked "I can certainly do the housework and get the kids to and from school". "Yes," says wife "but can you cope with the parents? Can you cope with the small talk? Can you deal with them watching you, how you treat your kids, judging you?"

"Dead easy," says I, "this is where I have the advantage of not giving a fuck what other people think of me". At that point, eldest daughter comes into the room and announces she needs the loo.  Cue a break in conversation.

When wife comes back she says "I find it hard sometimes that you completely dismiss things that I think are important. I don't make small talk to impress people. I don't often want to spend time talking with them, and I don't really care about them judging me, but our daughter has Autism and they will judge that, and they will judge her, and the only way that we can try to break down the barriers caused by her being different is by being friendly and accepted.  She is going to need friends, and we can't afford to alienate the parents of people that she wants to be friends with."

And with that statement I suddenly understand. Her concern for how she is viewed is nothing to do with her, or with me, but to try to ensure that there are people watching out for our eldest when we're not around: people who will accept her odd little ways rather than trying to change them, people who will accept her, not ostracise her and most importantly try to make sure that people see her first and foremost as a lovely little girl, not some sort of disabled weirdo.

And without that conversation, I never would have understood. I would just have gone on thinking that she spends too much time worrying about what other people think of her, and not understanding why.

I love my wife. In all the world she is the only person who has ever been able to get me to see someone Else's point of view, and right now i think that might be the only thing that will enable me to be the dad I need to be.